Firsts, Fears and Faith

This has been a fall full of firsts for me. My first daughter started her first year of high school, I started the first class in my master’s degree program, and this is my first week at a new job. As firsts tend to do, these have brought changes to my life – in my actions, to be sure, but also in my outlook. Making changes can be very frightening. After all, it’s human nature to want to keep things the way they are – comfortable, familiar, safe. I am fortunate, though, to have had the opportunity to learn more about the Ignatian principles of discernment and vocation. If I am to believe that God moves me toward things and that there are no accidents in life, then I can look at this new stage in my life as one that He has been guiding me towards for quite a while now.

I am learning to look at my daughter as an independent person – one who is responsible for her own homework and her own after-school activities. This is no mean task, as I have to fight off the impulse to constantly check up on her, but I want her to find her own wings and fly. I have to learn to let go and trust that God will guide her to be who He wants her to be. Her calling is not mine, no matter how much I want to tell her what to do!

I began working with the Cardoner Program this week, a development that is one of the most exciting things to happen to me in a long time. I’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to participate in many of the program’s activities, and have learned a lot about myself and what it is I feel called to do. My process of discerning my vocation has been circuitous at times. I haven’t always listened to that little voice in my heart telling me I was going in the wrong direction, MY will be done, but I have been blessed with the chance to learn to pay attention. Starting over can be frightening, but as I must do with my daughter, I have to learn to let go and trust that if I listen, God will guide me to be who He wants me to be. Looking at life this way allows me to view obstacles in my past, cliché though it might sound, as opportunities. If I had never…If that had never happened….If they had never…I would not be here today. And right here is where I want to be. I have so much to learn, and it is so energizing!