New Vocational Phase

I begin a new phase in my vocational journey tomorrow. The irony of this new movement in my life is that if I am really to be successful, I will do so only by losing my self. “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.” (John, 12: 24)

Now, I am certain that at many points in my life, I have thought of Jesus’ call to disclipleship as recounted in John. I am certain that I have told myself that I was doing this – dying to self so that I could do as God wills. Indeed, I suspect I have thought of this verse most frequently when I felt like work was asking too much of me, times when I felt overextended, underappreciated, and certainly underpaid.

But, Jesus’ suggestion has a different meaning for me now. You see, tomorrow I will accompany three retreatants who will participate in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius for eight days. I am to be their retreat director. In my prayer, the only thing that runs through my mind is that I will only be successful as their director if I can just get out of the way so the Lord can work with and through these retreatant. The retreat is about God and the individual. It is not about me. If I am to be successful as a retreat director, it will only be because I let each retreatant spend eight days with God and I did nothing to interfere with His work in their lives.

“[15] The director facilitates the movement of God’s grace within us so that the light and love of God inflame all possible decisions and resolutions about life situations. God is not only our Creator, but also the Director of our retreat, and the human director never should provide a hindrance to such an intimate communication.” (A contemporary reading of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius by David Fleming, SJ)

For me, right now, this is what it means to die to self, to be a grain of wheat that dies. I should not be a hindrance. On better days, I might even be able to facilitate the movement of God’s grace. Maybe this is not just a directive from St. Ignatius on how I might be a director of his spiritual exercises. Maybe this is a way for me to approach all my work, as a professor, an administrator, a daughter, a friend. Maybe this is how a grain of wheat dies and produces much fruit.

(PS Please pray for these retreatants May 22-29. And for me as their director.)