Computer Dependency

Last week, I was shaken to my very core by a crisis of epic proportions: my computer crashed. Infected by some Trojan virus, the ever-friendly technology people assured me that my computer would be returned fully functioning within two days, three days max. After dropping the computer off, I found myself despondent, unable to think of what tasks needed to be accomplished, let alone what my priorities should be. I had telephone calls to make, students doing research in my office, staff who needed to talk with me. None of these required a computer, yet, I felt lost and unable to focus.

Psychologists love doing research on control: illusion of control, desire for control, control and coping, perceived control, the limits of control, it goes on and on. One of the most robust findings in all of psychology is that perceived control is a powerful insulator against depression and stress. Believing we are in control, whether we really are or are not, helps us remain positive, upbeat, optimistic, and happy. Like many of you, most of the time, I tend to think that I control my day. I control my tasks, my reactions, my dreams; in short, I am essentially in control of my day and, well, my life. This is obviously an illusion, but one that keeps me healthy and not depressed. Losing my computer for three days was a really crushing blow to this illusion of control - reminding me yet again that I can’t even control what tasks I will accomplish today, let alone control my experiences or (sigh) my life.

During that first afternoon of computer-less despair, I remembered the verse from Mark 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.” Seeing how lost I felt after my computer crashed made me wonder how much I “treasure” my computer. Hmm. Nope, it wasn’t the computer itself I treasured. I felt so lost because I treasured how this machine helped me get all my “important work” done. Would I feel so lost if I missed a Sunday Mass? A day of prayer? Sigh. Absolutely not. Honestly, I often barely notice if one of these occurs.

Then I remembered St. Ignatius’ Principle and Foundation, where he points to a profound indifference, “so that, on our part, we want not health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, long rather than short life, and so in all the rest; desiring and choosing only what is most conducive for us to the end for which we are created.” Smugly, I think I’ve come pretty far regarding these - I find I am less and less concerned about riches, honor, and a long life. But, last week gave me an important reality check: God, please don’t let my computer get sick!!