Exercising Body and Spirit

In a series of published letters addressed to his nephew, Henri Nouwen suggests, “The initial reaction of someone who has a really personal encounter with Jesus is not to start shouting it from the rooftops, but to dwell secretly in the presence of God.” Similarly, St. Ignatius’ first piece of advice as a retreatant completes the Spiritual Exercises is that love ought to be put more in deeds than in words. Therefore, it is with much trepidation that I share any remarks about my 30-day retreat. However, remark I will, if for no other reason than to try to help me over the days and months (and years) to try to live into my experiences of October, 2007.

My room at the retreat center was on the fourth floor, 84 steep stairs away from the basement dining hall and building exit. Daily I climbed these stairs, making it part of an exercise routine. After eight days, I started to time myself and was proud of an initial pace of 66 seconds. As with any exercise routine, I waxed and waned through the month about actually taking the stairs. The temptation to take the elevator was always with me. I consistently noticed tender calves and gluts halfway up the stairs, discouraging me and puncturing my over-inflated ego that suggested I was in pretty good shape. The stairs ALWAYS took effort and they never stopped feeling like exercise.

What an apt analogy for my 30-day retreat! Truly, St. Ignatius was genius when he called his routine of prayerful meditations the Spiritual “Exercises.” Each day my retreat director assigned me 3-5 distinct, hour-long contemplations, mostly taken from Scripture. Much like climbing the stairs, I waxed and waned in my desire to complete my prayer “exercises.” My desire even vacillated during the prayer periods themselves; the temptation to contemplate anything besides the assigned passage was always there. Spending time with God ALWAYS required effort! Discouragement and an over- or under-inflated sense of self alerted me to movements away from God. Like my sore muscles, I recognized more and more how imperfect my prayer was (and is!) and how everything I did or did not experience depended completely on God.

A month later, I am more aware than ever of just how far I have to go to be “in shape” in either body or spirit. Physically, my pace improved from 66 to 38 seconds. Hurray! However, I left knowing I never “conquered” the stairs; I still had room to improve my time and my physiology. Spiritually, I left high, with a swirling awareness of God’s overwhelming love for me (and for each of us). But I also leave knowing more intimately than ever how much I turn away from God and his love. Changed or not, growing or not, I leave my retreat much as I began, with an ever increasing desire to know Jesus more clearly, love him more dearly, and follow him more nearly. That’s right, sing that sappy song with me now: day by day.