Over the next several months, I'll blog exerpts from my 30-day silent retreat. In many cases, my contemplation led to intense imagery and connection with individuals from a Scripture passage. On my first retreat day, an internal dialogue between Moses and God became my dialogue:
I (Moses) am sitting near dusk with my father-in-law’s flock out in the middle of nowhere, but with a nice view from this little mountain spot of the sun setting in the desert. It’s peaceful here, quiet. But, my soul is not entirely quiet. I don’t understand you Lord. Here I am in my late 30’s and what do I have to show for my life? What do you want from me Lord? Why did I grow up in Pharaoh’s house, treated like royalty? Who am I to have been saved when so many Hebrew boys were slaughtered? Who am I to have been raised in the lap of luxury by my own mother, and then again, loved like a son by the Pharaoh’s daughter, loved like a member of Pharaoh’s family by everyone. Even Ramses, true heir to Egypt, loved me as his own brother. And, I loved him. Hmm. I love him still.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining. You have given me the world on a platter. You have blessed me during my entire life. I just don’t understand why. What do you want from me Lord? What will become of me Lord after killing that man? Oh, how he haunts me! I saw evil in his eyes while he beat that slave, cruelty like I’ve never seen before. It incensed me, a fury I’ve never known just opened up and poured out of me. But, did he deserve to die? No! Lord, how will I bear living the rest of my life remembering his look of fear when he realized he was about to die? I don’t want to bear this. Lord, spare me. Please.
What do I have to show for my life? What do you want from me Lord? Don’t get me wrong. I know your kindness. I feel your blessing; it never left me, not even after I killed the Egyptian. Chased out into the desert I found a wife, a livelihood, acceptance and love by my father-in-law, the holiest man I have ever known. You gave me a son! My Lord and my God! A son! Lord, who am I to have been loved by you so much that you give me love, the comfort of a woman and my dear, dear son. What do you want from me? Why do you love me so much? I cannot bear it. I kill a man and you comfort me and give me a son.
Forgive me Lord. Who am I to even ask such bold questions of you. I know that your thoughts are not my thoughts; your ways are not my ways. As far as the earth is from the heavens, so far are your ways from my ways, your thoughts from my thoughts. I know I cannot understand any of this. I know I will never figure out why I lived when so many Hebrew boys were slaughtered. I will never know why you loved me so much as to have my mother paid to raise me, to be loved and to live in Pharaoh’s home, the font of the greatest civilization ever known! I don’t know how to live with the knowledge I killed a man. He did not deserve to die. And, I most certainly will never understand your ways Lord, that after I kill a man, you give me the greatest peace I have ever known. I am loved; I love. Perhaps I should not even bother you as to ask what all this means, why me. But, I just can’t help but wonder….
Sigh. Enough for now. Dusk is settling into dark. I need to get home. But, first, I need to go check out this fire. It has blazed all this time, yet it neither spreads nor expends itself. What is that? A bush? Why does this bush not appear to burn? I must go over to look at this remarkable sight, and see why the bush is not burned….
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