Anthony De Mello tells a story that has been haunting me. It describes a man who was so holy that even the angels rejoiced at the sight of him. One day, God sent an angel to the holy man and told him he could have anything he wished. In the end, the holy man asked only that good be done through him without his being aware of it. This wish was granted. From that day forward, the holy man’s shadow was endowed with healing properties, healing the sick, making the land fertile and even removing sorrow from people’s hearts. However, the holy man knew nothing of this. The people were so focused on the shadow that they forgot about the man and paid him no attention. He lived his entire life unaware of the good being done through him.
In the Spiritual Exercises, St. Ignatius talks about being so consumed by the love of Christ that our only desire is do God’s will, to be and to do only as God wills us to be and to do. We become indifferent or detached to being in sickness or health, to being poor or rich, to being honored or dishonored. Instead, we care and are attached only to what brings us closer to God and that which builds up the kingdom more. If that is sickness, poverty, dishonor, then so be it.
Reflecting, I now realize that the DeMello story has been stuck in my head because I have not been operating out of the freedom of indifference. You see, the past couple of months, I have been in a funk wondering if the work I do with Cardoner matters, if my work has been doing anything good or worthwhile for anyone at Creighton. I have to admit I have been having a bit of a pity party. It is dawning on me that these thoughts are tied to a desire to be honored. I never thought “honor” was an issue for me – I was never caught up with getting awards or recognition. But, wanting people to tell me that Cardoner means something is a form of honor. That is something I do care about. I am not indifferent about this, am not free from it.
In my last blog (Liam’s Game, April 12) I suggested that mature Christianity transforms psychology’s sociometer theory. Sociometer theory suggests self-esteem stems from our sense of acceptance by others. However, according to the Bible, the more I am consumed by God’s love, the less my identity and self-esteem is tied to acceptance from others. As I mature and grow in awareness of God’s all-abiding love for me, then being told I do good work matters less and less. Like the holy man, being a mature Christian can even bring me to a place where I no longer desire to know what good God is working through me. DeMello’s story has been haunting me because this is my deeper prayer, deeper than my funk. Deep down, I desire to know God’s love so much that I no longer care about honors and gratitude from others, nor to know the good that God is working through me.
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1 comment:
Have no doubt, your work is much appreciated.
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