One of the country’s leading writers and speakers on Christian spirituality visited Fremont last month. Towards the end of the day, Fr. Ron Rolheiser remarked how anthropology suggests that the very purpose of our life energy is ultimately to become an “elder.” Elders have four tasks – their vocation – to order the world, to feed, to carry, and to bless those who come after them. After visiting my beloved cousin and her two-year-old son Liam, I am particularly struck by the need for elders (mothers and fathers, grandparents, even second cousins) to bless those who follow us.
According to Rolheiser, “blessing” literally means to speak well of someone, and not necessarily by using words. Cursing, the opposite of blessing, is not the use of profanity. Using profanity is not the sin of cursing. Rather, to curse is to give someone a message that squelches their life energy, that shames them and threatens their delight and enthusiasm for life. Elders bless when they truly see and recognize someone, when they appreciate and speak well of this person, and they give some of themselves to this person, building him or her up.
Like most two-year olds, Liam has an abundance of enthusiasm and sheer joy for life. His favorite game currently is to point out and scream in delight at every truck, bus and motorcycle that drives by the window or that can be spotted while being driven around Santa Cruz. Not surprisingly, this scream of delight every 2 seconds does not facilitate safe driving by his mother. How can she quiet Liam but not curse him? How can she bless Liam, supporting his enthusiasm for life, but in a way that allows her to drive safely?
In psychology, we talk about this life energy, this delight and enthusiasm for life, as self-esteem. Now, if ever there was an overused and completely misunderstood word in psychology, it would have to be “self-esteem.” Luckily, research psychologists are zeroing in on a better approach to self-esteem, called sociometer theory. Sociometer theory suggests that, at heart, self-esteem is nothing but an indicator of how well accepted a person is by the social group. We feel good about ourselves when we feel accepted by others. However, even the possibility of disapproval from others threatens us, threatens our sense of self. This threat then prompts us to work harder to be accepted again by others and to retain/gain our self-esteem. (Another day I will remark on how mature Christianity transforms sociometer theory from the inside-out. But, that’s another blog.)
My cousin Susan has the right idea with Liam. When he screams about the bus down the road, she responds to the content of his enthusiasm positively. Yet, she also prompts him to speak with “an inside voice.” She speaks with that inside voice herself, modeling the behavior she wants. And, when he does speak with an inside voice, she pours affirmations all over him. Liam’s self-esteem is not threatened. Indeed, his self-esteem is being enhanced as he succeeds in connecting with other important human beings. Liam is being blessed by an elder.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
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