30 Days Before My 30-day

(Krisina is on retreat and so I am posting this blog on her behalf. Aaron Mayernik)

Sept. 26, 2007
Many of you have probably heard that I will be spending October participating in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. (For more info, see http://www.nwjesuits.org/JesuitSpirituality/SpiritualExercises.html and/or http://campioncenter.org/ )
While on retreat, I won’t be making phone calls, checking email, or even blogging. I will, however, be spending time in prayer, meeting daily with my retreat director, and being intentional about everything I do from showering to hiking over to Walden Pond. Obviously, at this point, I can’t speak to what the retreat will be like. But, today, as I write this, 30 hours before I leave, I CAN speak to what the last month has been like. What is the 30 days like before a 30-day silent retreat?

Overjoyed: St. Ignatius called it consolation without previous cause. Thomas Merton called it his Fourth and Walnut experience. All I can say is that I don’t normally feel like crying for joy at daily mass. I don’t normally walk around almost literally seeing connections between every living being. And, I have never been woken up at 2 a.m. with the thought that I should listen to the John Denver song that began with the word, “Lady.” (Imagine my surprise when I played it and heard God “serenading” me!)

Overwhelmed: Trust me, I am not deluded enough to think that the world will stop revolving if (when!) I am not at the helm of the Cardoner program. But, I did not just want my staff and the Cardoner program to survive without me. I want(ed) them to thrive without me. And, in typical Kristina fashion, I also wanted to accomplish my own neverending list of goals, visions, tasks. When I pulled an all-nighter the evening before I turned in the final, library copy of my dissertation, I promised God and self that I would never again deprive myself of sleep. True enough, even to this day. But, I did not count on the 30 days before my 30-day. Overwhelming! I have been true to my word and not pulled any all-nighters this past month. However, I have seen more than my fair share of late nights and early mornings, shopping at the mall at 1pm and drafting work emails at 1am.

Under-Patient: Perhaps it was bound to happen, given that I was caught between the rapture of God’s love and my neverending “to-do” list. But, I still did not see it coming: The week before last, I got frustrated, impatient, and irritated with people five times in four days. Five times in four days!! This is highly unusual; I might get caught up with my lesser self like this once or twice a month. But, not this month, 30 days before my 30-day. Rather, I bent under the unfathomability of God’s love and the tangibility of my goals by becoming increasingly impatient, frustrated and irritable with those around me. Luckily, while a colleague comforted me that this was understandable under the circumstances, I saw more clearly what I was doing. Being precedes doing. I didn’t lose my patience with anyone again this month.

Detaching: If ever a tenet of Ignatian spirituality was misunderstood, it would be the idea of detachment. Ignatian detachment = desiring and admitting one’s desire wholly and fully and, yet, simultanesouly, willing nothing more than to do that which will bring one closer to God. After being overjoyed, overwhelmed and under-patient, I am growing detached. Gone has been my tracking of Anne Lamott and the Iowa primaries. Gone is my need to know that my staff are accomplishing X, Y, and Z. Even gone is my insistence that I accomplish any particular goal before I leave. Instead, my desire is more and more to simply grow in relationship with God. Spend time (gulp!) with Jesus the Christ. Become more of the Kristina Marie that God created me to be.

As I deatch, more and more I simply wish that I might see thee more clearly, love thee more dearly, and follow thee more nearly. Day by day. For the next 30 days. And beyond….