Cardoner at Creighton

About the Blog.....Transitions

2008-02-24T14:57:00.002-06:00

Apologies to those of you who have checked periodically and have not found any fresh posts since before Christmas. That is about to change.

Many of you already know that the central Cardoner Office is closing up shop June 30, 2008. The past couple of months have been associated with much transition for our staff, personally and professionally. We stopped posting in part because we were unsure if blogging was the best use of our time during this final six months. We also found it increasingly difficult to blog about Cardoner's vocation themes when so much about our own vocational journies have been so precarious.

But, after much time and reflection, we have decided to start blogging again - and to re-dedicate our blog to transitions. I met with a senior recently who told me that for lent she had given up worrying about what she would do after graduation. How similar is her lenten desire with mine! We are both in transition - no longer fully connected to Creighton and yet nowhere else to start to connect to post-Creighton. Neither of us knows where we will be after our time at Creighton ends. Both of us too are trying to be intentional and to let God draw us ever closer to Him during this tumultuous time.

The thought occured to me that perhaps a blog about transitions might be helpful to more than just this senior and myself. I talked with a faculty colleagues on the phone yesterday who just decided not to return to teaching next year - has already given her notice. She too is facing enormous transitions. Then there are a couple of colleagues I know who are grieving the recent loss of a parent. Transitions. There there is the daughter of a Creighton faculty member whose cancer has re-appeared. Transitions.

It goes on and on really. Most of us, to a greater or lesser degree, feel we are in the midst of a transition of one sort or another. For those of you who feel this more acutely right now, this blog is dedicated to you. We hope that as we try to reflect on the intersection of vocation with transition this next few months, you might find something that resonates with you. As St. Ignatius says in the Spiritual Exercises, take what is useful for you and leave behind whatever hinders your journey!

Glimpses

2007-12-19T21:43:00.000-06:00

Advent is the season of longing – of recognizing the ways in which our lives are not complete and making room for the one who can complete us. Maybe God works these longings into our lives more acutely during the holiday season. If God made humans to be restless and to long for a completeness not known during our earthly lives (as Scripture and tradition have always suggested), then maybe God also initiates this restlessness and longing more now en masse than at any other time of the year. This week, this Advent, I am recognizing that God initiates the longings I experience. And he initiates this longing through glimpses.

There were moments on my 30-day retreat of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius where I glimpsed fullness of life with God. At times, I felt immersed with God, completely connected with him. I glimpsed God’s overwhelming love for me exactly as I am. I glimpsed God’s delight in all of creation, including me. I glimpsed total love, peace, harmony, fulfillment. I say I glimpsed these things not because they were superficial – no, my experiences have (hopefully) sunk deep into the marrow of my bones. Instead, I say I glimpsed life with God because even as I felt God with me, I knew I experienced only a small sliver of who God is and also a sliver of life that will come for me when I die and become forever joined with him.

I’ve been back from my retreat longer now than the entire retreat lasted. While I still feel moments of God’s overwhelming love for me, these moments are becoming less intense and less frequent. Given this, I realized this past week that I am grieving. I am grieving the strong connection I felt with God during my retreat. I long to feel that which I felt/glimpsed during my retreat. But, I also see that if God had not given me glimpses of loving connection with him, I would not notice its absence now. I would not yearn for it so deeply now. By giving me glimpses of a better life, God opens me to imagine, to desire more.

These glimpses of a better life fuel our desires, fuel our vocation, fuel our longings. We can imagine life where young men do not go into shopping malls and shoot people. We can imagine life where we get along peacefully with family. We can imagine better friendships, better romantic relationships, better jobs, better grades. At the very least, we can imagine life where the gifts we want to buy are affordable, stocked on the shelves and available in stores without long check-out lines. Why? We so easily imagine these things because God gives us glimpses of these things in our daily life – moments when we feel peace with family, moments when our jobs or classes are going perfectly, moments when we feel alive and well and right with the world.

In the past I thought I originated my longings, authored my desires. This Advent I am learning firsthand how God gives me both the glimpses of fullness I experience as well as the longings for more. God gives me the glimpses and the longings. Alpha and omega. Beginning and end.

Opening the Door

2007-12-15T17:33:00.000-06:00

While “training” is over—I swore in as a Volunteer May 21^st and left for my site—my learning and discovery has just begun. I had to settle into my site, get to know my host family, find my own house, buy furniture and things for my house, keep learning the language (and the dialect specific to my community), and figure out my role here as a Volunteer.

I began my in-country posts trying to structure them around my three months of training. I assumed I would be writing more during PST. I did write periodically about my life here in general at my personal blog: http://radicaljosh.blogspot.com. Part of the reason I didn’t write is I have no regular access to the internet and the time I do have is spent on Peace Corps work and politics and keeping in touch with my friends and family.

Yet, these ten months and six months of actual service have been a journey to say the least. Have I been doing “work”? Yes. But you ask that question to any currently serving Volunteer and you’ll get varying degrees of the same tentative “well, yes…sort of”.

Ourselves, work, and our relations to that work are the all-consuming issues we face out here. During training we are bombarded with what we will be doing; how to do our job; what will go wrong; how horrible we will feel at times; how great we will feel at times; and how to handle isolation, loneliness, slow work progress, fatigue, and thoughts of Early-Termination. Then we head to our sites and have to live and work and get rid of our expectations.

With five hours a day language sessions; technical training on how to build latrines, work on family planning, talk about HIV/AIDS, etc; learning about Arab and Berber culture; being told how to not offend people; and how to live successful as an American in rural Morocco, we felt that we were learning how to adjust to the Moroccans we would live with. We felt that our journey of self-discovery would start when we became members of the community. We are all people who value diversity and culture, after all. We have adjusted our mindset to living here; we are ready to be changed! It is true that living and working with the Berbers for two years will be a journey of self-discovery, but really the journey began when we arrived at our site and sat in our homes for six months alone, scared, apprehensive, nervous, and worried. We slowly learned that before we can do our job we must first develop ourselves.

This time here as made me realize that before I can go out and experience life with the Berbers and allow this experience to change me, I first have to change enough to not be afraid to live, not just stay, in my village.

Relationship with ourselves and with God is one of the components of developing vocation. I must figure that out before I can have a relationship with a community and properly navigate the tension of sacrifice and fulfillment. As I constantly worry about if I am doing and working “enough”, as I complain and cry about my site and my role here, I start to realize I need to understand myself and who I am before I can even, literally, walk out the door. Such is true in America: we are always apprehensive of going out in the world and the community—more so when we are unsure about what we will be doing there. As the year approaches its end and I slowly gain confidence with walking around my community, I realize that before I can begin my vocation journey, before I can even being to be changed by this experience, I need to come to terms with my own fears and issues of “self-worth” so I can open my door.

Rilke Revisited

2007-12-14T11:37:00.000-06:00

After I was reminded of the Rilke poem - the inspiration for my 10/20 blog - I mentally revisited why it's one of my favorites. Like all great poetry, it says much with little, does so with beauty and flow, and is timeless. But, appropriately since it was written as part of a series of "Letters to a Young Poet," its power is that it speaks intimately and with amazing insight - whether the audience is "a young poet" or an anonymous reader 100 years later.

This poem understands that hearts have in them much that is unsolved and advises to love the questions themselves. Questions of the heart are never ones with easy answers. They are the kind that can only be solved by waiting, living, and growing - and with growth comes sageness. If answers were meant to be apparent, they would be. By holding the questions gently, they can sit comfortably with you and answers revealed when experience has readied you to live them. To rush that would be like forcing the cocoon open before the butterfly was ready to emerge. Love the questions. They are a part of you and a part of life itself.

"And the point is to live everything!" Rilke advises to not cut off parts of your experience. There are always things about life that are uncomfortable -- facing fears, taking risks, being sad, and unsolved questions in your heart. The Rilke poem reminds that the questions are an integral part of you right now, and accepting the questions is part of self-acceptance. There is something profound about accepting, "loving" what you cannot control, and having answers to difficult questions is one of those things. Embrace EVERTHING – now - as it's the only chance you get; the only life you have. If the questions are the now, they are what must be lived now, because, as we know, now is all we really have. And ironically, the more you live, the more chance of gaining that understanding, LIVING into those answers. Questions are part of the journey of life; “be patient" with them and live them too.

You never notice growth. It's too gradual. Knowledge may occur instantaneously, but wisdom happens over time. (As Emerson said, "The years teach much which the days never know.") Anyway, there's too much life to be lived to worry about that which is not ready to be known yet. If you simply live life - with presence, then voila, those answers you desperately want will creep up on you when you're not looking; one day you’ll wake up and realize you understand things in a way you didn't before. That's the value of the "distant day;" hopefully you’ll live enough and long enough to live into the answers – “without noticing.”

Its word power and its wisdom and ability - like a good friend - to understand, comfort, and advise are why this poem is a favorite of mine. And that’s the last time I’ll mention it!

Live Life for Your Passions

2007-12-10T11:50:00.000-06:00

Live life for passion. If the passion is a hobby, your job, your family, or all three. Or something completely different. It doesn’t matter. As long as you have something in life that excites you, makes you and others happy, and is worthwhile, then you have all you need. This word passion should not be thrown around lightly. People can have many hobbies, foods they like, and organizations they support. This doesn’t mean they are all passions. A passion in my opinion is distinguished from a simple hobby in that you could really do without certain hobbies and be ok. If a passion was taken away, on the other hand, your life would be irrevocably altered for the worse. A piece of your identity would be gone.

Take one of my passions: music. If I were not able to play the saxophone ever again, I would be saddened. If I couldn’t compose music I’d be devastated. If I couldn’t listen to music, I’d go nuts. Music is a part of who I am. It is a crucial aspect of my identity. I need it for creative expression, for emotional release, for listening enjoyment, the list goes on. It is not just something I do or enjoy. One statement that I feel is true about myself is, “I am a musician”. Is a passion the same thing as a calling? I think it can be. I am called to music in many ways. I don’t feel the need to make it my career and that demonstrates how one’s calling doesn’t have to be their career.

I am envious of those people who are talented enough to make music their career. My idol John Williams, for example. To be able to compose the music that millions of people around the world can hear and automatically remember the movies the music came from…that would be sweet. John Williams wrote the music for Star Wars, Jurassic Park, E.T., Harry Potter, Jaws, and Indiana Jones just to name a few of the most popular. I am certainly envious of his ability. But, I don’t beat myself up over it because I get incredible joy from listening, creating, and performing music even if it is just me, myself, and I who hears it.

As Omaha deals with the tragedy of the Westroads Mall shootings, let us keep in our thoughts and prayers those people who died and the people who mourn them. But let this also be a reminder to us all that life is precious. If we are not living for our passions then we need to straighten out our priorities. In this season of giving, may we also use our passions in a way that contributes to the good of our families, friends, and community. If we are passionate about music, may that come out in a giving way this season. Maybe that is something as simple as caroling for the homebound or folks at a nursing home. It may not be easy to do, but why not use our passions for not only our own happiness, but the happiness of others as well? That is what this season should be about.

Gratitude

2007-12-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

The leftovers are long gone, but our thanks-giving deepens within us as we begin Advent preparations and Christmas celebrations. Afterall, isn’t that what lies beneath our hustle and bustle, giving thanks for the blessings in our lives? The parties, the gifts, even the holiday cards – these are small tokens we give to people as a reflection of the gratitude we feel for their participation in our lives. And let’s not forget the extra charitable giving so many of us do this season as we become acutely aware and grateful for our material security. Even as we feel harried and tired and stretched thin, deep down, we still recognize that virtually everything we do for others during the holiday season is an expression of gratitude for them.

But, gratitude is not just for a season. It is also a characteristic of a fully functioning person. Martin Seligman, founder of the field of Positive Psychology, along with a research team of top psychologists, identified Gratitude as one of 24 primary strengths of character that humanity has valued across time and culture. Gratitude is a sense of joy and thankfulness when we receive from others. In their international survey published in 2004, Gratitude was one of the five most common character strengths endorsed by virtually all 54 industrialized nations studied, including Americans. We are not simply a people who set aside one day every year to express thankfulness; we value and cultivate it year round.

As we should. Gratitude is not a mystery of our faith, like the incarnation or the resurrection of Jesus. However, gratitude is one of the primary means by which we touch all the mysteries of our faith. The Latin for gratitude, gratia, means grace. When Christians use the word grace, we do so as a proxy for the word God. Grace refers to the tangible, felt presence of God in one’s life. Through grace/gratitude we become fully human, connect to our deepest core self, become more capable of reaching out to others, and join in fellowship and intimacy with God. Gratitude brings the recognition that I am not the author of my life, that I do not control the goods I have or even who I am. Gratitude is recognizing that all the goods of life and even life itself are gift, that someone beside me has given to me every single thing that I know to be good. Scripture talks about each of us being created to praise and serve the Lord. Gratitude is praising the Lord, thanking God for whatever good-ness, large or small, we see in our lives.

Advent is a time of preparation, preparation for the coming of the Lord into our hearts and into our world. And gratitude is one of the primary ways we prepare for and open ourselves for Jesus’ coming. Yes, we can easily bemoan the fact that this time of year is too commercial, too busy and too little associated with God. But, when we instead deepen our sense of gratitude, we open ourselves to grace, to Emmanuel, to God-with-us.

Thoughts about being in control

2007-11-25T10:39:00.000-06:00

I’ve learned something funny about depending on others, at least for me. When there’s no choice in the matter, it’s easy for me to ask for help and allow myself to be dependent. It’s a lot harder though, when asking for help with something I think I ought to be able to do on my own. It’s the same asking God for help. I have absolutely no problem praying for world peace or the health of a friend. If I’m struggling with something I think I should be able to handle myself, though, it’s really hard to place it in His hands. I hate not being in control.

I didn’t learn to drive until I was in my mid-20s and a new mom. When I was a teenager, pretty much everyone else raced to the DMV to get their learner’s permit and license within seconds of turning the right age. (You know how the lines started forming outside retail stores on Thanksgiving evening so that people could be first in line to get the best deal on Friday morning? I envision my peers lining up outside the courthouse on the eve of their birthday so as to be first in line to take that all-important test!) I, on the other hand, never saw the need. I loved to walk or ride a bike, and in my senior year, I got a moped that served the purpose grandly!

It wasn’t until I realized that it was pretty impractical to cart a baby around on a bus or a bike that I faced my fear and took the plunge. I drove for 12 years until a medical condition made it necessary for me to give up driving a few years ago. I quickly settled back into my non-driving ways, deferring the chauffer responsibilities to my husband. We bought a house near the bus line so I could make it to and from work without a problem. We live within walking distance of major stores so that I can walk there to get a gallon of milk if we need it. I learned to swallow any pride I might have had and ask for rides if I needed them. People are really wonderful, you know. I never had any trouble getting where I needed to be.

And then that first baby of mine started high school. Suddenly she needs to be places. Since she goes to a Catholic high school, someone needs to drop her off and pick her up. Her social life has grown exponentially. And like I did fourteen years ago, I came to the conclusion that it was time to face my fear again, do what I needed to do and start driving again. So, I am once again a legal driver.

A couple of weeks ago, I hurt my back and had to ask a friend to drive me to some appointments. Before I got my license back, I would have had no trouble at all asking for her help. I was used to asking for help – I did it often! This time, though, I felt guilty about calling her. I should have been able to do it myself, I thought. Suddenly, I felt beholden and helpless. We are brought up to show no weaknesses, to be self-sufficient and independent. Anything else makes us feel like less of a person.

I’m the same way about asking God for help. It’s easy to do when I know there is nothing I can do about a situation. I can put it in His hands. When it’s a situation that I think that I ought to be able to control, though, I have trouble letting Him take the weight off of my shoulders. Galatians 6:2 says "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." So how do I practice giving myself up totally to the will of God? How do I reinforce to myself the wisdom of turning over my issues and letting Him (and others) help me bear my burdens? It's certainly something I work on!
I hope you and yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!

Musings and Memories on Giving Thanks, Turkey, and Other Topics related to the November Holiday

2007-11-20T11:56:00.000-06:00

When I was about 10 years old (35 years ago!), there was a show on television that I could swear was called “Thanksgiving Treasure.” I remember it very fondly and have thought of it over the years but have never seen or heard of it again. (I think there was also a Christmas-themed companion to it.)

Each Thanksgiving, my dear, now-deceased grandma used to ask each of us to go around the table before dinner and say what we were most thankful for. She always said she was thankful that we were all there together.

Last night while waiting for one of my eight-year old twin daughters during her soccer practice, the other daughter suggested that she and I write down as many things we could think of that we were thankful for in two minutes and then compare lists.

My List
My family
Good health
Special friends
Our cats
Intelligence
Seasons
Our beautiful home
Our nice neighborhood/neighbors
Having good jobs
My flexible hours at my job
Good food
Dundee Elementary - the girls’ school
Colors
Nice weather (when we have it)
Books
Having a car
Jill – who cleans our house

Lucy's List
Electricity
Family
Friends
Food
Sunlight
Cars
Planes
Boats
Toys
Houses
Good weather
Animals

Surprisingly to me, people often express incredulity that someone could celebrate Thanksgiving without turkey (a/k/a me – a vegetarian for 12+ years). One year my good friend and former coworker Kim (one of the skeptics) and I were talking about Thanksgiving Without Turkey, and I said, “I don’t see what the big deal is; isn’t Thanksgiving about giving thanks – not about turkey?” Her reply: “I AM thankful . . . . thankful for turkey!”

Believe it or not, my family has a bountiful, delicious and mostly traditional Thanksgiving feast each year: Sourdough stuffing with sage, thyme and marjoram; mushroom rosemary gravy; mashed potatoes, fruit salad, cranberry relish, spinach and cashew salad, pumpkin silk pie, etc. (Not even a tofurkey, although fyi “Quorn” makes a very good “roast.”)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Exerpt from Day 6: God in Calmness and in Arousal

2007-11-18T21:37:00.000-06:00

Every day of this retreat, I have been given multiple passages from Scripture, one for each hour-long prayer period. Psalms and Genesis, Sirach and Isaiah, they all circle around God’s goodness in all his creation, but especially God’s goodness in creating humans and putting the rest of creation under our rule. Reflecting on the passages, I too got caught up in God’s goodness, God’s divine majesty, “Praise and exalt him above all forever!” (Daniel 3). On the third day of my retreat, my director asked that I make this more personal, to reflect on what is blessing/gift for me. I immediately began thinking of all the people who are “enshrined within my heart” (Anthony deMello, Hearts on Fire book). On Day Four, I began to thank God for all the gifts of creation that I have enjoyed in my five physical senses, what I have touched, heard, smelt, tasted and seen that I truly loved in my life.

Thinking of these “things” of my senses caused two major reactions in me. Some of these things, like the sound of the ocean or hearing someone say my name with love and tenderness, impact me by soothing me. They bring me peace, calm, contentment. I find my center and I find God with me there. My other major reaction, like when I taste ice cream or I hear someone say my name with love and tenderness, is to arouse me, to excite me. I feel more alive, more energized, more me and I find God with me there.

These reactions, calmness and excitement seem like they are opposites. Certainly our world has built them up that way. We specifically go watch TV to “veg out” or to calm us when we’ve had a frenetically paced day. Have a day that is slow and boring and we look to go out with friends, go to happy hour, go to a Jazzercise class – anything that can arouse and excite us.

However, I don’t think calmness and excitement are opposites. Calmness and arousal - they tap the same thing. During our best, most cherished moments in life, we rest in God. “Our souls are restless until they rest in you” (St. Augustine). But, these moments, when we feel most connected to our sense of self and God-with-us, well, these moments also bring with them the tension and desire to get up and share them with others. I think that is why hearing our name spoken with love can soothe us like nothing else. But, it also can arouse us (sexually, emotionally, spiritually, etc….) like virtually nothing else is capable of arousing us. This desire to rest in God-within-us is intrinsically tied into our desire to move outward, away from self and towards others.

When we tap a core experience, as happens, for example, when we smell fresh baked bread, we simultaneously move into truest selves and also look for someone to point out the poignant aroma to. Both movements, the movement into our core and the movement/desire to share with another, are movements of God. They are, ironically, the same movement.

We Are the Knights Who Say...Ni

2007-11-13T15:03:00.000-06:00

Last week I was fortunate enough to attend Spamalot, a musical based on the movie, “Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail”. Long story short, it was hilarious! Here’s but a scratch:
Soldier: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
Soldier: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

After the show, I realized that I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. It occurred to me that we don’t laugh as much as we should some days. It seems like our days are full of seriousness. We get up in the morning not always wanting to do whatever it is we have to do that day such as go to work. We read the paper as we eat breakfast which is jam-packed with stories of tragedy, controversy, and negativity. Many weekdays are all business at work or school. Then we get home and try to relax a bit, but if you turn on the news then you are hit again with the world’s tragedies, disasters, and pain. Too much seriousness throughout the day! I don’t want to hear about politics when I’m trying to relax! Unless it is done by Monty Python:
King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

I understand that it is necessary for us to hear about negative things in the news and to be professional when it comes to work and business. We learn from the hardships of others and we trust those who are professional in their businesses and careers. But as humans, we need to laugh, be spontaneous, perform and experience art, and not take ourselves so seriously at times. It is in these occurrences that often bring us the most joy. It is also in these occurrences that can make us feel most human. It is hard to imagine a world in which laughter and art in all its forms is non-existent. If the things that make us smile and laugh were taken away we would become less human in a way.

So in our daily life, let us not forget to laugh, even when there are dreadful things happening in our world. It would be quite a lifeless existence if we didn’t have laughter. Luckily, we do have laughter to brighten our day. “And there was much rejoicing. Yaaayy!”

Contempation Exerpt from Day 1; Exodus 3:1-3

2007-11-11T20:28:00.000-06:00

Over the next several months, I'll blog exerpts from my 30-day silent retreat. In many cases, my contemplation led to intense imagery and connection with individuals from a Scripture passage. On my first retreat day, an internal dialogue between Moses and God became my dialogue:

I (Moses) am sitting near dusk with my father-in-law’s flock out in the middle of nowhere, but with a nice view from this little mountain spot of the sun setting in the desert. It’s peaceful here, quiet. But, my soul is not entirely quiet. I don’t understand you Lord. Here I am in my late 30’s and what do I have to show for my life? What do you want from me Lord? Why did I grow up in Pharaoh’s house, treated like royalty? Who am I to have been saved when so many Hebrew boys were slaughtered? Who am I to have been raised in the lap of luxury by my own mother, and then again, loved like a son by the Pharaoh’s daughter, loved like a member of Pharaoh’s family by everyone. Even Ramses, true heir to Egypt, loved me as his own brother. And, I loved him. Hmm. I love him still.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining. You have given me the world on a platter. You have blessed me during my entire life. I just don’t understand why. What do you want from me Lord? What will become of me Lord after killing that man? Oh, how he haunts me! I saw evil in his eyes while he beat that slave, cruelty like I’ve never seen before. It incensed me, a fury I’ve never known just opened up and poured out of me. But, did he deserve to die? No! Lord, how will I bear living the rest of my life remembering his look of fear when he realized he was about to die? I don’t want to bear this. Lord, spare me. Please.

What do I have to show for my life? What do you want from me Lord? Don’t get me wrong. I know your kindness. I feel your blessing; it never left me, not even after I killed the Egyptian. Chased out into the desert I found a wife, a livelihood, acceptance and love by my father-in-law, the holiest man I have ever known. You gave me a son! My Lord and my God! A son! Lord, who am I to have been loved by you so much that you give me love, the comfort of a woman and my dear, dear son. What do you want from me? Why do you love me so much? I cannot bear it. I kill a man and you comfort me and give me a son.

Forgive me Lord. Who am I to even ask such bold questions of you. I know that your thoughts are not my thoughts; your ways are not my ways. As far as the earth is from the heavens, so far are your ways from my ways, your thoughts from my thoughts. I know I cannot understand any of this. I know I will never figure out why I lived when so many Hebrew boys were slaughtered. I will never know why you loved me so much as to have my mother paid to raise me, to be loved and to live in Pharaoh’s home, the font of the greatest civilization ever known! I don’t know how to live with the knowledge I killed a man. He did not deserve to die. And, I most certainly will never understand your ways Lord, that after I kill a man, you give me the greatest peace I have ever known. I am loved; I love. Perhaps I should not even bother you as to ask what all this means, why me. But, I just can’t help but wonder….

Sigh. Enough for now. Dusk is settling into dark. I need to get home. But, first, I need to go check out this fire. It has blazed all this time, yet it neither spreads nor expends itself. What is that? A bush? Why does this bush not appear to burn? I must go over to look at this remarkable sight, and see why the bush is not burned….

Exercising Body and Spirit

2007-11-04T21:18:00.001-06:00

In a series of published letters addressed to his nephew, Henri Nouwen suggests, “The initial reaction of someone who has a really personal encounter with Jesus is not to start shouting it from the rooftops, but to dwell secretly in the presence of God.” Similarly, St. Ignatius’ first piece of advice as a retreatant completes the Spiritual Exercises is that love ought to be put more in deeds than in words. Therefore, it is with much trepidation that I share any remarks about my 30-day retreat. However, remark I will, if for no other reason than to try to help me over the days and months (and years) to try to live into my experiences of October, 2007.

My room at the retreat center was on the fourth floor, 84 steep stairs away from the basement dining hall and building exit. Daily I climbed these stairs, making it part of an exercise routine. After eight days, I started to time myself and was proud of an initial pace of 66 seconds. As with any exercise routine, I waxed and waned through the month about actually taking the stairs. The temptation to take the elevator was always with me. I consistently noticed tender calves and gluts halfway up the stairs, discouraging me and puncturing my over-inflated ego that suggested I was in pretty good shape. The stairs ALWAYS took effort and they never stopped feeling like exercise.

What an apt analogy for my 30-day retreat! Truly, St. Ignatius was genius when he called his routine of prayerful meditations the Spiritual “Exercises.” Each day my retreat director assigned me 3-5 distinct, hour-long contemplations, mostly taken from Scripture. Much like climbing the stairs, I waxed and waned in my desire to complete my prayer “exercises.” My desire even vacillated during the prayer periods themselves; the temptation to contemplate anything besides the assigned passage was always there. Spending time with God ALWAYS required effort! Discouragement and an over- or under-inflated sense of self alerted me to movements away from God. Like my sore muscles, I recognized more and more how imperfect my prayer was (and is!) and how everything I did or did not experience depended completely on God.

A month later, I am more aware than ever of just how far I have to go to be “in shape” in either body or spirit. Physically, my pace improved from 66 to 38 seconds. Hurray! However, I left knowing I never “conquered” the stairs; I still had room to improve my time and my physiology. Spiritually, I left high, with a swirling awareness of God’s overwhelming love for me (and for each of us). But I also leave knowing more intimately than ever how much I turn away from God and his love. Changed or not, growing or not, I leave my retreat much as I began, with an ever increasing desire to know Jesus more clearly, love him more dearly, and follow him more nearly. That’s right, sing that sappy song with me now: day by day.

The wonderful thing about Tigger...

2007-10-29T11:34:00.000-05:00

Who are you most like, Eeyore or Tigger? A.A. Milne’s beloved characters are certainly at the opposite end of the spectrum. Eeyore, the glum, gray donkey who looks at life through sludge-colored glasses is the archetypical pessimist. Tigger, on the other hand is bouncy and optimistic and just generally happy. I recently watched an amazing video online that asked this question.

There is a tradition in academe called the “Last Lecture,” in which professors are asked to imagine that they have only one more time to address their students and are given the opportunity to present what would be their final words of wisdom. Randy Pausch, a professor from Carnegie Mellon University is dying of a very aggressive cancer and has been given mere months to live. He gave his last lecture, entitled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams” on September 18th, 2007. It was recorded and posted online and has spread virally the way internet videos tend to do. (If you are curious, here is a link: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5700431505846055184 ). Dr. Pausch can only be described as Tigger-esque as he gives his presentation – joking, doing push-ups to demonstrate his good health and talking about how he actually experienced zero gravity. He is the epitome of “looking on the bright side.”

I am not certain that I would be able to face my own imminent death with such acceptance and good humor. I like to think that I am more like bouncy pouncy Tigger than mopey Eeyore these days, although it hasn’t always been that way. Being optimistic isn’t something that we are born with. The human condition tends to be angst-ridden and fearful. So what is it that gives some people that ability to see the best in their situations? Being an optimist is the ability to see opportunities when everyone else sees threats or weakness. As Pausch states in his lecture, “We can’t change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” So, then, if I face obstacles purposefully I empower myself to decide how I will deal with them. And therein lies the fundamental difference between the optimist and the pessimist.

Bigger Picture

2007-10-24T11:26:00.001-05:00

This past week I joined 14 Creighton students and a fellow Cardoner employee on our Fall Break Trip to the Rosebud and Pine Ridge Reservations in South Dakota. This trip is half cultural immersion and half service. We have two goals, the first of which is to visit the high schools in the area and assist the seniors as they are applying for the Gates Millennium Scholarship. The second goal then is to expose the college students that attend the trip to a culture different from their own.

As the organizer and leader of this trip I felt that I was obligated to provide opportunities to experience this culture to the college students. But in my planning and thinking about these things, for some reason I always had the history of the culture in mind and not so much where their culture is today. Arriving at the reservation puts thoughts of the here and now into your head right away. You are greeted with a reality that is not quite storybook quality. The dilapidated conditions of the housing hits you like a slap to the face. There are stray dogs everywhere you look. People walk along a dark highway from town to town even in a bone chilling cold downpour because they don’t have a car that works. This is the reality of the reservation today.

My question then is - do we do any good by coming to the reservation to tell the students about college? Or are we just another outsider trying to tell the natives what to do? Are we just getting their hopes up for something that is unlikely to happen? One thing that I’ve learned about the culture of many Native Americans is their strong tie to family. This is one reason that many students feel that it is hard to go to college. They are often caretakers and breadwinners for their extended family. If they go off to college, they feel, that they are then abandoning their family and the reservation. Knowing this, I try to convey the sentiment that by going college, you can then come back to the reservation and use your talents for the betterment of not only yourself, but your family and the reservation as a whole. This is just one example of the reasons many students from the reservation see college as impractical.

And certainly there are bigger problems on the reservation than hoping that a group of college students visiting for a week have a good time and learn some culture. The staggeringly high rates of alcoholism and suicide are two of those bigger problems that people on the reservation face daily. The interactions we have with the high school students at the reservation may be brief, but in those interactions there is at least a hope that some chord was struck between us. We may be different in many ways, but it may be just enough to get the student to think differently about their future and the possibilities it brings.

Loving the Questions

2007-10-20T11:21:00.000-05:00

Teresa Bolas' September blog entries "Vocation as calling?! Now I get it!" in two parts reminded me of one of my favorite poems:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved
in your heart . . .
Try to love the questions themselves . . .

Do not now seek the answers,
which cannot be given
because you would not be able
to live them
And the point is
to live everything.

Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then
gradually,
without noticing it,
Live along some distant day
into the answers.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Teresa's blog also inspired me to think - really hard - about the phrase we use so casually around Cardoner, "vocation-as-calling." I think I finally "get it" too - although I can't claim a deep understanding like came to Teresa through a life-changing experience.

Sometimes when people ask what we do at Cardoner and often in written materials regarding Cardoner's mission, we use the phrase "vocation-as-calling." It's a multi-dimensional phrase that begs to be contemplated . . . pondered. Was it designed to be that? Or was it intended to be nothing more than a clarification of the use of the word "vocation" in the context of Cardoner's and Creighton's mission? I don't know, but when someone asks "What's Cardoner," sometimes it's easier to say, "It’s a program that helps students, faculty, staff, and even alums live more authentically, intentionally, and purposefully." ("Authentically, intentionally, and purposefully," other words dear to Cardoner's heart, roll off the tongue quite easily. It’s even fun to say. And everyone understands.)

"Vocation-as-calling," the enigma: On the most basic level, "vocation-as-calling" is simply defining vocation: Vocation-as-calling vs. vocation-as work in which one is regularly employed vs. vocation-as-the divine call to religious life. However, the fact that "vocation-as-calling" is often paired with words such as "explore" (as in "explore vocation-as-calling issues") and phrases such as "one’s understanding of" (as in "one's understanding of vocation-as-calling") suggests at a minimum that full comprehension of this expression may need to evolve and that it may mean different things to different people, be open to interpretation. And in it's full enigmatic glory, like poetry, it even could mean different things at different times depending upon how you think about it. (That's the very reason it begs to be contemplated.) Say it over and over to yourself and see what I mean.

I’ve become comfortable with my uncertainty - about the phrase; and maybe, by wondering and considering exactly what "vocation-as-calling," - the phrase - means, I’m living toward a better understanding of vocation/calling itself . . . the answers?

30 Days Before My 30-day

2007-10-02T09:15:00.000-05:00

(Krisina is on retreat and so I am posting this blog on her behalf. Aaron Mayernik)

Sept. 26, 2007
Many of you have probably heard that I will be spending October participating in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. (For more info, see http://www.nwjesuits.org/JesuitSpirituality/SpiritualExercises.html and/or http://campioncenter.org/ )
While on retreat, I won’t be making phone calls, checking email, or even blogging. I will, however, be spending time in prayer, meeting daily with my retreat director, and being intentional about everything I do from showering to hiking over to Walden Pond. Obviously, at this point, I can’t speak to what the retreat will be like. But, today, as I write this, 30 hours before I leave, I CAN speak to what the last month has been like. What is the 30 days like before a 30-day silent retreat?

Overjoyed: St. Ignatius called it consolation without previous cause. Thomas Merton called it his Fourth and Walnut experience. All I can say is that I don’t normally feel like crying for joy at daily mass. I don’t normally walk around almost literally seeing connections between every living being. And, I have never been woken up at 2 a.m. with the thought that I should listen to the John Denver song that began with the word, “Lady.” (Imagine my surprise when I played it and heard God “serenading” me!)

Overwhelmed: Trust me, I am not deluded enough to think that the world will stop revolving if (when!) I am not at the helm of the Cardoner program. But, I did not just want my staff and the Cardoner program to survive without me. I want(ed) them to thrive without me. And, in typical Kristina fashion, I also wanted to accomplish my own neverending list of goals, visions, tasks. When I pulled an all-nighter the evening before I turned in the final, library copy of my dissertation, I promised God and self that I would never again deprive myself of sleep. True enough, even to this day. But, I did not count on the 30 days before my 30-day. Overwhelming! I have been true to my word and not pulled any all-nighters this past month. However, I have seen more than my fair share of late nights and early mornings, shopping at the mall at 1pm and drafting work emails at 1am.

Under-Patient: Perhaps it was bound to happen, given that I was caught between the rapture of God’s love and my neverending “to-do” list. But, I still did not see it coming: The week before last, I got frustrated, impatient, and irritated with people five times in four days. Five times in four days!! This is highly unusual; I might get caught up with my lesser self like this once or twice a month. But, not this month, 30 days before my 30-day. Rather, I bent under the unfathomability of God’s love and the tangibility of my goals by becoming increasingly impatient, frustrated and irritable with those around me. Luckily, while a colleague comforted me that this was understandable under the circumstances, I saw more clearly what I was doing. Being precedes doing. I didn’t lose my patience with anyone again this month.

Detaching: If ever a tenet of Ignatian spirituality was misunderstood, it would be the idea of detachment. Ignatian detachment = desiring and admitting one’s desire wholly and fully and, yet, simultanesouly, willing nothing more than to do that which will bring one closer to God. After being overjoyed, overwhelmed and under-patient, I am growing detached. Gone has been my tracking of Anne Lamott and the Iowa primaries. Gone is my need to know that my staff are accomplishing X, Y, and Z. Even gone is my insistence that I accomplish any particular goal before I leave. Instead, my desire is more and more to simply grow in relationship with God. Spend time (gulp!) with Jesus the Christ. Become more of the Kristina Marie that God created me to be.

As I deatch, more and more I simply wish that I might see thee more clearly, love thee more dearly, and follow thee more nearly. Day by day. For the next 30 days. And beyond….

I'm gonna take 6 years off...

2007-10-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

Remember your first day of school? Me neither. But I remember the gist of it. I’ll set the scene… It’s your first day of school and you’re going into the 1st grade. We’ll skip Kindergarten because that’s just playing and napping. Mom wakes you up and makes you waffles. Mmmm…waffles. She has your clothes all set out for you including your dark brown corduroys, your little blue sweater vest, your Fruit of the Looms, and your brand new tennis shoes. She combs your hair for you and packs your Elmer’s glue, those little scissors that couldn’t cut paper, your #2 pencils, and all of the cool school supplies that we wish we could use on a daily basis as adults. Don’t forget your Star Wars lunchbox that has your specially prepared lunch!

Remember how exciting that was? The promise of meeting new friends, meeting your teacher, and learning strange new concepts like math and reading were scary but exciting. Then, in the blink of an eye you’re graduating college and you have to join the work force. How time flies!

So having been out of school since 2001, why did I decide to start taking classes again? I thought I was done with that stage of my life. But I decided to enroll in a Graduate Program here at Creighton and pursue a Master’s Degree. After 6 years of being out in the real world, why was I compelled to go back to school?

Humans have the urge to learn new things. Yes, we can learn on our own, but having experts teach you about concepts and writing papers compels you to learn things you may not have otherwise been able to. I would never have chosen to read the Odyssey on my own, but since it was assigned in class, I was fortunate to have the experience of reading Homer’s epic.

I also want to be able to say that I have a Master’s Degree. Not only because of help it may give me in future job applications. Even more than that, I will be able to learn things that will have an impact on me for the rest of my life. My program is not one in which you learn a skill and then are able to get a specific job. This program is more about understanding the world and learning different ways to think. This is a crucial reason for my desire to continue my education. Many people see education as a means to an end. Getting a degree to get a job is the prime example of this. That certainly is a good reason to go to school. But now that I’ve done that via my undergraduate education, I am ready to embark on a different journey. The journey of getting a Master’s Degree is the real reason I am doing this. To learn for the sake of learning. It will be nice to have a degree that shows I actually did it, but the real reason is to better myself. I couldn’t have said that during undergrad.

Vocation as calling?! Now I get it! (Part Two)

2007-09-20T14:40:00.000-05:00

Before my experience, I loved doing service and I always felt at peace with myself and with God during those times. Now, I am continuously unhappy with myself and my lifestyle because I am not constantly surrounded by like-minded people who understand Jesus' message, the Jesuits' value of preferential option for the poor, or the importance and sacredness of community. I am not dedicated to an impoverished family nor am I completely committed to a service organization where I visit for multiple hours every week. Not only does this sadden me, but it also hurts.

St. Ignatius spoke of "consolation of spirits" where typical worldly desires may make you content for awhile but eventually leave you feeling empty and unsatisfied, whereas spirituality and service to the poor leaves you feeling consoled. How does this make sense? Aren't earthly pleasures supposed to make us happy? Money, sex, possessions, and success are all part of the living the dream, right? From the teachings of Jesus, the work of Ignatius, and what I experienced in the DR, the answer is no. Immersing one's self in poverty, hardships, and violence may be scary, but that is where one experiences true consolation and that is what I believe is demanded of us as Christians.

Jesus' message constantly spoke of the importance of his followers' dedication to the poor. He was always causing chaos among authorities and acting in opposition to societal norms. What makes us think that it is best to flow along with authority or society? Why do we hold Jesus in such high regard, yet we don't outright challenge the daily wrongs of American culture beyond bumper stickers on our cars and voting for candidates who are against abortion? Our country has a long history of unjust actions and continues to head down the straight and narrow pathway. My DR experience forces me to open my eyes to the reality of this country and demands that I maintain an active faith, a faith that is clearly visible through service to those who are hurting. My hope is that we all continue to question decisions and grow in living faith.

I know that this is an intense blog, and I debated posting it. However, one of my best friends reminded me of the importance of making people think. I felt regret on many occasions where I had the opportunity to share more significant aspects of my experience than I actually did. So I am taking advantage of this blog to share my thoughts. I hope that it encourages new thoughts rather than frightens.

The Nagging Question

2007-09-16T19:49:00.000-05:00

What is the question that nags you? It may be the one that swirls around in your head, cycling around again and again like the horse on the carousel that you decide is the most beautiful one of all (although, experientially, your question may often FEEL like it is the ugliest one.) Or, it may literally be the question that you keep getting asked by people time and time again, and you never quite have the answer or the answer seems to change based on who is asking the question that day. My nagging question of the past couple of years has been, “Since your job is ending in June of 2008, what are you going to do next?” (CU Students, can you relate if you substitute in “what are you going to do when you graduate?” Probably many of you can relate! But, for others, this will not be the question that nags you. You’ll have your own nagging question.)

In his book Dynamics of Faith, Paul Tillich defined faith as “the state of being ultimately concerned….. (While) the content matters infinitely for the life of the believer, it does not matter for (this) formal definition of faith. Faith as ultimate concern is an act of the total person. It happens in the center of the personal life and includes all its elements.” Building on this foundation, Robert Emmons suggested that ultimate concerns become manifest as the goals that we strive for regularly, that have maximal value for us, that demand “total surrender” and that have the power to center our lives.1 In short, ultimate concerns are the most important goals for which we typically strive; their significance comes to us because of our striving for them, regardless of whether we are actually “successful.”

These ideas of “faith” and “ultimate concerns” sound exactly like my nagging question. For it is my nagging question of what I will “do next” that taps my core, that cuts me to the bone. When I am asked this question, it feels like I am being asked to articulate who I am, what do I want to do with my life, what kind of person am I becoming and who do I want to become. (This is not because my identity comes from my job but because I want my job to continue to be an expression of my identity, of my vocation as a human being.)

Recognizing that my nagging question is actually tapping into my core faith and my ultimate life concerns also helps me to have patience when people innocently ask me about all this. I know they ask because they care about me, they are curious, and/or they are just making conversation. But, I don’t think most people understand they have just tapped my faith, my ultimate concern, my nagging question. Maybe knowing this will also help you the next time someone asks your nagging question.

1 Robert A. Emmons (1999). The Psychology of Ultimate Concerns: Motivation and Spirituality in Personality.

Vocation as calling?! Now I get it! (Part One)

2007-09-14T11:08:00.000-05:00

I have been back from the Dominican Republic (DR) for months now and have been trying to figure out what to say for my first blog back in the States. There are so many things I could talk about from the transition, to difficulties, to what I have learned, to what I am thankful for and all the emotions I am experiencing. So instead of trying to figure out the right things to say in the best manner possible, I am going to just write my thoughts in hopes that they convey the message clearly. This decision comes from some frustration I have experienced because I don't think I have explained the semester in the way I should.

There are so many things I want to say, yet haven't. I think that is because I am worried that people will not understand or will be scared away. It is so much easier to explain to fellow Americans about my trips to the beautiful beaches and going to the clubs and dancing the night away. It is so easy for me to keep all the life-changing moments hidden from all others, because that way I can blend back in with everyone I know and love. But is that what I want? I am not so sure. I want to be able to fit in with my best friends and family, yet I want the DR to continue to strengthen me in my mission to serve the poor, hurt, sad, and lonely. At times, these two paths seem to stand in direct opposition with one another, and since I have not explained the most meaningful aspects of my experience, I have made the transition even more difficult. I struggle between getting wrapped up in the American culture and internally fighting it with everything I have. We want to have fun and laugh and be happy. Yet everything I learned is in complete contrast with such feelings. Did I have fun and laugh and feel happy in the DR? Of course. But there was so much more. My fun, laughter, and happiness did not come from conventional American situations. Instead it came from building relationships with Dominicans and peers, learning about and immersing myself into an entirely different culture, and from gaining empowerment and hope amidst great economic impoverishment.

As a Catholic I always knew that I must devote my life to helping others, but I never knew quite how to do so or to what extent. I have struggled, especially lately, with the hierarchy of the Church, but Catholic Social Teaching and Liberation Theology keep me devoted to my faith. These teachings can be fearsome due to the demands they place on the lives of believers. I was afraid of accepting my Catholic vocation for fear of the inevitable challenges: living with the poor, making little money, people misunderstanding my choices. However, after living with the economically poor in the DR, I realize that I will not be satisfied if I do anything else. The people I met I now call my brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, friends. We developed the most amazing bonds because we were not distracted by our electronics or busy schedules. We had time to be together and that's about it.

I didn't realize the extent of the joy I found until I returned to this wealthy, competitive, success-driven country. Here, I do not have the same joy. I am happy because I get to spend time with my family and friends, live in economic comfort, and have time for leisure, but it's not the same. I need to get back into a more meaningful role. I crave that situation and I need that lifestyle.

Firsts, Fears and Faith

2007-09-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

This has been a fall full of firsts for me. My first daughter started her first year of high school, I started the first class in my master’s degree program, and this is my first week at a new job. As firsts tend to do, these have brought changes to my life – in my actions, to be sure, but also in my outlook. Making changes can be very frightening. After all, it’s human nature to want to keep things the way they are – comfortable, familiar, safe. I am fortunate, though, to have had the opportunity to learn more about the Ignatian principles of discernment and vocation. If I am to believe that God moves me toward things and that there are no accidents in life, then I can look at this new stage in my life as one that He has been guiding me towards for quite a while now.

I am learning to look at my daughter as an independent person – one who is responsible for her own homework and her own after-school activities. This is no mean task, as I have to fight off the impulse to constantly check up on her, but I want her to find her own wings and fly. I have to learn to let go and trust that God will guide her to be who He wants her to be. Her calling is not mine, no matter how much I want to tell her what to do!

I began working with the Cardoner Program this week, a development that is one of the most exciting things to happen to me in a long time. I’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to participate in many of the program’s activities, and have learned a lot about myself and what it is I feel called to do. My process of discerning my vocation has been circuitous at times. I haven’t always listened to that little voice in my heart telling me I was going in the wrong direction, MY will be done, but I have been blessed with the chance to learn to pay attention. Starting over can be frightening, but as I must do with my daughter, I have to learn to let go and trust that if I listen, God will guide me to be who He wants me to be. Looking at life this way allows me to view obstacles in my past, cliché though it might sound, as opportunities. If I had never…If that had never happened….If they had never…I would not be here today. And right here is where I want to be. I have so much to learn, and it is so energizing!

Contagion

2007-08-27T22:10:00.000-05:00

Because of travel associated with a conference, I’ve had the blessing of walking around three different college campuses this past week. All three were associated with students moving back and classes starting. Any faculty or staff member at Creighton can tell you that there is something magical about students returning to campus. Witnessing this “magic” on three distinct campuses really piqued my interest. What IS it about the beginning of a new school year that feels so special, so wonderful, so contagious?

Social Psychologists have long studied the phenomenon of deindividuation and how it impacts our behavior. Deindividuation occurs when we lose our sense of self and studies show this loss often leads us to behave in ways we normally find unpalatable. In one humorous study, children who felt anonymous because their costumes included masks over their faces took significantly more candy while trick-or-treating when a dish was left unattended than children without masks.1 Unfortunately for humanity, deindividuation is also one of the root causes of mobs and rioting throughout history. We feel disconnected from our true selves, get swept up in a bigger collective, and do things we thought we were incapable of.

Maybe the magical, contagious feeling of a new academic year on a college campus is also associated with deindividuation, but in the sense of acting as part of something greater, something better than ourselves. More than at other times, the first few days of a new year are not about “me.” For staff and administrators, these days are about helping students get settled in, solve problems, find buildings, rooms and professors. For faculty, these days are about lying the foundation for all that will be accomplished with students in the classroom, peers in the lab, and colleagues on committees. Even students who must figure out where to put their microwaves and whether or not to drop a course are not truly “me” focused. Freshmen attend to the feelings and concerns of parents, siblings, roommates and both old and new friends. Upperclassmen too are re-connecting with all that is positive and important in their lives.

Maybe this sense being caught up in something greater than oneself is what it is like to live as Christians. Maybe the feeling we have at the beginning of the new year at Creighton is a glimpse of what it feels like to “love one another as I have loved you” John 13:34. We may not like everyone we are dealing with now. We probably don’t feel “warm fuzzies” after every interaction. We may even be struggling with enemies, whether inside ourselves or actual people. Regardless, we sense we are part of something greater than ourselves, something bigger and more beautiful than anything we could do alone. I think this is a glimpse of what it feels like to build up and live the Kingdom. This is a glimpse of what it is like to live as Christians.

1 Ed Diener and colleagues. (1976). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 33, 178-183.

Missing my Target

2007-08-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

Recently, I sinned. I don’t mean that I acted in a fashion prohibited by my religion. I missed the mark. I missed my target, which is the Greek word “hamartia” and is typically translated in the New Testament as “sin.” One night this summer I found myself in a situation where I had conflicting needs such that any action I took had potential negative consequences.

Specifically, I was with some friends and realized that I no longer felt right about the situation. I felt like I needed to leave if I wanted to take care of myself emotionally and psychologically. However, leaving at that particular time and place meant putting me physically at risk. I was stuck with conflicting needs. My mark or target for that night, as with most nights, would be to take care of all my needs, from social to psychological, from intellectual to spiritual. But, this night, I was doomed to miss the mark no matter what I did.

One of the ways I know I missed my target is how I felt for a few days afterwards. I kicked myself for getting into the situation at all. I felt horrible. I remembered a similar situation from last August, with different friends and place, but otherwise, eerily similar. Why didn’t I learn my lesson a year ago? Besides, I’m getting too old now to get into these stupid kinds of situations. I hurt that I couldn’t stay and I hurt about leaving. I hurt. It felt like death, like a small piece of me was dying. (Maybe that sounds too dramatic, but it did feel like I was dying to self.)

Psychologists call this the hindsight bias, the tendency to think you could have foreseen something after you learn the facts. Doctors who are given case information plus autopsy reports are confident they could predict the diagnosis while doctors not given the autopsy reports find nothing obvious at all about the diagnosis (Dawson and colleagues, 1988, Medical Decision Making). We are all susceptible to this: if I tell you research shows that risky firefighters are better, you will not only come up with good reasons for this, but be confident that you would have predicted this anyway and continue to hold this belief about risky firefighters even after I discredit its basis (C.A. Anderson et al, 1980, Journal of Personality and Social Psych). Problem is…….people told that cautious firefighters are better do exactly the same thing!

“Did that which is good become a cause of death for me? May it never be! Rather it was (missing the mark), in order that it might be shown to be (missing the mark) by affecting my death through that which is good.” Romans 7:13 Yeah, Paul has it. I missed my target and died a little bit inside and I was reminded once again what missing the mark feels like.

Advent in July

2007-07-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

Every Monday this month, a group of us have met to celebrate Advent. Advent in July! Advent is as important a preparation for Christmas as Lent is for Easter. And yet, with all the gift buying, decorating, end-of-year parties and deadlines, Advent often gets as much of our attention as children give to their least favorite present. Take the advent wreath. I make a pledge every year to get it out and set up so I can begin Advent with the first Sunday, but never seem to get everything in place until almost 10 days later. While I do pray using my wreath, I can’t seem to do it every single day. By the third week, I am burning candles outside of my prayer times in an effort to get the candles to “look right.” Looking right means burning some of the candles so they are all the proper Advent length, with one short purple and one medium purple candle plus a rose candle that has to be taller than the medium one but shorter than the final, unburned purple candle. I can’t be the only one who does this, am I?

Advent, from the Latin Adventus, means coming. Advent itself is a time to recognize and celebrate the fact that we are always waiting, waiting for more to come. God created human beings such that we are never content with what “is,” but always desire more. We yearn, long, desire, strive, and yes, we wait for more to come. Ultimately and in its deepest, most fundamental sense, what we long for is to be with God, to join our limited, finite self with the infinite. Since this can only happen after our death, our longings in our day by day lives take on less lofty manifestations. But it is, nonetheless, in those everyday longings that we find our vocational calls, what we desire in our work and our relationships. Advent is a time set aside especially for us to touch these longings, to simply recognize and sit with the reality that life will never complete us, will never fully satiate us.

This, of course, is only half the story. If we are always an Advent people, longing for the coming of God in our hearts and lives, we are also always a Christmas people. God-(is)-with-us, Emmanuel! “Those who love me will keep my word, and my Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.” John 14:23. Though we are incomplete, we know God is already with us. God has made his home in us. When we are Advent-ing (to coin a term), we know that God is with us as we touch our deepest desires. The angst of our incompleteness is lessened with the felt knowledge of God transforming our hearts, our minds and our lives.

To Advent in July, we need only ask ourselves what we really long for, knowing God is with us even in what is incomplete.

Psalm 46

2007-07-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

This line and alteration of verse 10 from Psalm 46 has popped up for me a few times this week. So, I thought I better pay attention and share it with you.

Which line most touches your heart today? This is the line God is speaking to you about at this point in your life. This is the line most relevant to your vocational journey right now.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.

Which line most touches your heart today?

A Fundamental Self-Consciousness

2007-07-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

During a recent visit with my family, my Mom remarked that the day had been just about perfect. My brother and I were headed out for the evening, so we agreed with her and went back to our good-byes. A few days later, Mom asked me what had happened at that moment, feeling self-conscious that she had said something wrong. Of course, she’d said nothing disagreeable, but it got me thinking about how vulnerable we are to others, how the slightest remark can spin us into a flurry of self-doubt and weaken our self-confidence.

A popular approach, Evolutionary Psychology, seeks to explain how human emotion, thought, and behavior is tied to natural selection and the survival of our species through the ages. According to evolutionary psychologists, becoming self-conscious helped our ancestors to survive. With threats to survival ranging from animal attacks to dehydration during droughts, humans learned that the best way to survive was to be part of a group. Our social orientation today has roots in our ancestors’ survival, even leading us to become self-conscious with our own family and friends when we they don’t respond to us as we anticipate.

Feeling disconnected from others is excruciatingly painful and brings us face to face with our own limitations, finiteness and insignificance in this world. When this happens to me, knowing that my ancestors survived by being sociable does not make me feel any better. What does help me now are two things. First, I remember St. Augustine’s statement, “Our souls are restless, Lord, until they rest in you.” My restlessness and self-consciousness makes me human. Indeed, as Fr. Ron Rolheiser O.M.I. summarizes, our spirituality is a fundamental “dis-ease” with all that is finite about me and this world. That excruciating pain of feeling disconnected is God himself within me, giving me the desire for full and complete union that can not happen in my lifetime. It is hard to remember this when I am in pain, but when I do finally name my experience as my God-given restlessness, it takes some of the sting out and God seems to join me in my loneliness.

After I recognize and name my fundamental dis-ease, I know that if I move away from my own self and towards others, I will ultimately quell the heat of the fire within. I don’t always do it and I don’t always want to do it. But, when I do throw myself more wholeheartedly into serving others, helping others, being there for others, I start to forget myself and my restlessness with it. A theology of the cross tells us that our relationship with God is not just based on a vertical one-on-one between God and me. My relationship with God is also deepened by my horizontal relationship with other people. “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

As it turns out, sometimes, loving your neighbor also turns out to be the best way to love yourself.

Part Deux: Luck vs. Free Will

2007-06-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

…Continued from last blog Luck vs. Free Will.

So luck vs. free will. Some people call it predestination vs. free will or fate vs. free will. If I were to start believing that I have a lucky or unlucky personality that would seem rather superstitious. It would mean that my skills, choices, and intelligence have nothing to do with what happens in my life. Fate or luck, by this definition totally contradicts the greatest gift that God gave us: Free Will. It is our choices in life that lead us to lucky or unlucky circumstances. Case in point, my string of unlucky happenings can be attributed to the following: I wouldn’t have run into the tree had I paid attention better or for that matter, chosen not to drive that day. I wouldn’t have been delayed at the airport had I chosen to fly a different day or for that matter, decided to drive to Montana. My friend’s ceiling wouldn’t have collapsed had he chosen to live somewhere else and his car wouldn’t have broken down had I not tampered with the engine! (joke).

Alas, these two arguments are the extremes. On one hand is having no control over our lives as in luck or fate and on the other is having total control of our lives as in free will. There is an element here that cannot be forgotten when we think about free will and choices. It is Faith. Faith is the other element of our lives that we use to attribute to the things we cannot explain. We have to have faith that our choices are the right ones and if they turn out not to be, then something good will come out of it. Some people say, “it must have happened for a reason.” Yes, I didn’t want to hit that tree, but I learned to be extra careful when backing up a 15 passenger van. God was telling me something there. He wasn’t putting a voodoo curse on me making me unlucky so that I hit the tree, but He was saying, “you made a choice and it didn’t quite work out perfectly, hence you are human. But you also must have faith that I gave you that choice and so you still have free will. You can learn from it and maybe even something better can come from it.” Faith is knowing that we won’t always be right, we won’t always be “lucky”, but we will always have free will to do what we think is right. And learning from our mistakes to make something good come out of them is such a noble thing to do. Rather than saying, “why do these things always happen to me,” we should say, “I’m going to take this curveball, learn from it, and do something positive from what I learned.” Doing so takes faith, good decision making…and even a little bit of luck :)

Luck vs. Free Will

2007-06-29T15:07:00.000-05:00

Is there such a thing as luck? I know a person can have a string of lucky or unlucky happenings. Take me for instance. I seemed to have an unlucky string of happenings not long ago. It seems to me that it all started when I backed a Creighton van into a tree. Who does that? The next unlucky thing was my return from my vacation to Montana. I had a great time. All except for the fact that I was supposed to return 2 days earlier than I did. My flight was delayed, cancelled, and then delayed again! Then it seems that I transferred my bad luck to my friend who flew out the very day I flew in. It would have been ok had I not seen him. It may have transferred when on the way to the airport he stopped by and I handed him his camera which he had let me borrow. So then his flight was delayed. I probably wouldn’t have thought much about it except another friend from Montana called me and said that I can’t see him any more (he was joking of course but here is why he said that). I stayed at his house when I was over there and as soon as I left his living room ceiling collapsed. On top of that he told me that on the way home from my wedding last summer his car broke down. He ended up having to buy a new car.

These events lead me to ponder the question: Is there such thing as luck? And I mean REAL good or bad luck. Can someone be a lucky or unlucky person or is it like I said above? Just a string of lucky or unlucky happenings. Even though I had that string of seemingly unlucky happenings I know the reason I thought of it as luck is just because they all happened in a short period of time. If I really thought about it, I probably had just as many lucky happenings during that time.

But debating whether I am lucky or unlucky is really not the reason for this blog. I’m thinking more along the lines of Luck vs. Free Will. Is it our luck that determines the path of our lives? Is it our choices made by free will? Or is it more complex than that?

To be continued next blog…

Neighbors

2007-06-19T19:03:00.000-05:00

I was recently “quarantined” alone in my home for 3 days after I received a dose of radioactive iodine to treat my overactive thyroid. During that time, my neighbors took care of me from afar – leaving me dinner on my doorstep every night and flowers and a treat (aka ice cream!) every morning. They called me and they prayed for me. They were my neighbors like no one has ever been my neighbor before. And, this got me thinking: why aren’t people neighbors like they used to be?

There is something to be said for the societal changes we’ve seen the past 50 years. More people live alone, careers are more mobile and so we move more frequently, and we are maybe even busier today with the activities of our own private worlds. But, I think something else is going on too. Psychologists have long identified Americans as individualistic, meaning we focus on our unique self and we view groups as merely a composite of individuals who have different needs, desires, etc… Collectivists, in contrast, focus on the needs of the group first and see their own self as indistinguishable from that group. Americans are individuals first and a unique self within any group second. Collecitivists’ identity is one and the same as that of the group and their own self is ok as long as the group is ok. (Yes, I am overgeneralizing.)

For whatever reason, Americans seem to be growing more extreme in their individualism, to the point where we are no longer neighbors to our neighbors. And who are our neighbors? We know Jesus spoke to this question. In Luke Chapter 10, Jesus affirms a Jewish scholar who connects love of God with love of neighbor as the one greatest commandment after which Jesus moves into the story of the Good Samaratin. Many people today conclude that Jesus was telling us that everyone is our neighbor. This is true, but because Samaritans were the enemies of Jews, Jesus tells us that our neighbor is not just anyone, everyone, but our very enemies.

Love of enemies is a juicy topic for another day’s blog. Today I am suggesting we struggle just to love/be neighbors to the people we care about and to the people we don’t know. How do we be more loving towards our neighbors? Platitudes aside, we need to cultivate a greater sense of collectivism, that we are all members of the same group, this neighborhood, this country, this faith, this human race. Research on intimacy suggests we begin to do this when we rely on one another, support one another, and believe in one another. Easier said than done! Further, we become more collectivistic when we move away from an exchange orientation, where we weigh the costs of giving with the benefits we anticipate receiving. With a communal orientation, we become offended when someone tries to “pay us back.” Afterall, we are just doing what neighbors do!

Summer Mode

2007-06-17T15:13:00.000-05:00

Apologies to all of you who have faithfully checked the Cardoner at Creighton website. In switching gears to "summer mode" we managed to lose a month of posts! Most notably, I was out most of the past month directing people in the Spiritual Exercises and then being sick and recovering from an overactive thyroid.

Twice weekly posts will begin again this week! (And, thanks for your patience.)
Peace,
Kristina

New Vocational Phase

2007-05-21T22:52:00.000-05:00

I begin a new phase in my vocational journey tomorrow. The irony of this new movement in my life is that if I am really to be successful, I will do so only by losing my self. “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.” (John, 12: 24)

Now, I am certain that at many points in my life, I have thought of Jesus’ call to disclipleship as recounted in John. I am certain that I have told myself that I was doing this – dying to self so that I could do as God wills. Indeed, I suspect I have thought of this verse most frequently when I felt like work was asking too much of me, times when I felt overextended, underappreciated, and certainly underpaid.

But, Jesus’ suggestion has a different meaning for me now. You see, tomorrow I will accompany three retreatants who will participate in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius for eight days. I am to be their retreat director. In my prayer, the only thing that runs through my mind is that I will only be successful as their director if I can just get out of the way so the Lord can work with and through these retreatant. The retreat is about God and the individual. It is not about me. If I am to be successful as a retreat director, it will only be because I let each retreatant spend eight days with God and I did nothing to interfere with His work in their lives.

“[15] The director facilitates the movement of God’s grace within us so that the light and love of God inflame all possible decisions and resolutions about life situations. God is not only our Creator, but also the Director of our retreat, and the human director never should provide a hindrance to such an intimate communication.” (A contemporary reading of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius by David Fleming, SJ)

For me, right now, this is what it means to die to self, to be a grain of wheat that dies. I should not be a hindrance. On better days, I might even be able to facilitate the movement of God’s grace. Maybe this is not just a directive from St. Ignatius on how I might be a director of his spiritual exercises. Maybe this is a way for me to approach all my work, as a professor, an administrator, a daughter, a friend. Maybe this is how a grain of wheat dies and produces much fruit.

(PS Please pray for these retreatants May 22-29. And for me as their director.)

Parts and Wholes

2007-05-18T12:57:00.000-05:00

I’ve been reviewing and analyzing the Cardoner focus group transcripts. If you’re not familiar with focus groups, it’s basically getting a group of people together to talk about their reactions and feelings, perceptions of a topic; a more or less guided discussion. The goal is to extract how the participants feel about the topic; to make some attempt at gathering their qualitative perceptions. At least that’s my limited understanding of focus groups at this somewhat early stage of my exposure to them.

In my review this morning, two themes emerged not specifically related to Cardoner but just general recurring expressions in the conversations – a general expression of ‘I want to feel good about myself’ and ‘I want to be part of something that I can feel good about.’

We are drawn to wholes. There is a strong urge within us to be part of something greater than ‘I’. I want to be part of a family, a group, a community. I want my department to be valued by the division, my division by the corporation.

And yet I want to be independent. I don’t want someone else telling me what to do. I want to have autonomy, self-control and a strong perception of my own self-worth. I need to have a strong sense of self.

In balance, these two desires could be seen as a whole where each of the parts is significant; where the whole truly is greater than the sum of the parts. What is required to move toward this balance? To speak and contribute, to put whole-hearted, unreserved energy forward, to give totally, to make a fearless self-gift. And to listen and receive, to hear clearly and earnestly and with willingness to believe that what I’m receiving was offered in a non-exploitive way, for unselfish ends; to completely and openly receive the other’s self-gift.

What is the value of the desire for this feeling that ‘Without me the whole would be less?’ Is this simply hubris or fear? Is it detrimental to the whole? Should I instead feel that ‘I am totally replaceable; that the whole can go forward, be as effective without me.’ For a machine that is largely true. Function alone can be preformed with interchangeable parts. The essence of me is more than my function. It is the uniqueness of the totality of me, the sum of all my parts.

Every single one of us is unique and so terribly important. If I accept that premise for me, I have to extend that concept to every other being. If I do not believe that I am uniquely important to God then I can believe that you are not uniquely important either. I can use you for what I perceive is my benefit.

These concepts of uniqueness and value are not empirically proveable. They are not deemed irrefutable truths of the universe. But it is a depiction of the universe, a truth that I want to believe in. Speaking for me; if there is nothing more than me, I live in hopelessness and futility. I do not find it freeing but emptying. I choose to believe. I choose to strive to live by this belief that I am a unique and treasured part of a whole that is infinitely beautiful and perfectly made up of an infinity of equally unique and treasured parts.

Beethoven’s fifth symphony has been performed countless times - each one unique. The perfection of a particular performance by a particular set of musicians in a particular setting cannot be reproduced. Even if recorded, each playback is in a unique setting, different than the ‘live’ performance. I am drawn to Augustine’s ponderings on what might heaven be like - an infinite chorus of individuals freely and perfectly combining in an infinite performance. It’s playing now.

To Kill a Car

2007-05-16T12:02:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, some part of my psyche decided I should crunch my car instead of attend Creighton’s commencement ceremony. Yes, I got in an accident right outside the Civic Center at 9a.m. Luckily, no one was hurt. Except our cars. And my pocketbook. And my emotions.

I suppose if the cars had been horribly mangled, I would just be happy to be alive. But, the cars weren’t mangled, just dented fenders and front wheels pushed into the suspension. So, instead of thanking God for our safety, I am kicking myself, bemoaning the $1500 or more I will pay for the repairs plus the likely increase in my insurance rates for the next 5 years. Psychologists would say I am suffering from the hindsight bias, the tendency to see past events as more predictable than they were in fact before they took place. “I knew it all along” is more common when events are easily undone mentally. We get more upset if we miss a connecting plane by 5 minutes after running through the airport than if we land 45 minutes after the connection departed. We are especially likely to fall victim to the hindsight bias if it is easy for us to mentally “undo” an outcome that befalls us. If only I had not decided to turn onto Chicago, I would not have gotten into that accident. Sigh. Hindsight bias.

In terms of my faith life, this event gives me more fodder for discernment. (Actually, everything that happens in our lives gives us fodder for discernment; we just have to desire to allow God more and more into what happens in our lives.) Should I repair the car or get a different one? Ignatian discernment focuses on three methods depending on how active your emotions are. In this case, my emotions were quite active and so I used the primary method of discernment where I considered my alternatives, prayed about them and relied on the gut feelings I had as I sat with each alternative.

Fix the car or get a different one? When I reflected on fixing my car, I worried that perhaps I was too attached to this car. My immediate reaction was I should fix it. But, even the body shop guy said it was not worth fixing. So, I looked through several used auto sales booklets from the grocery store. I could not get excited about any car I saw. No make or model appealed to me. Every pricetag made me feel nauseous. That last reaction, feeling nauseous, was a strong gut reaction. Over time, this did not go away. It remained from beginning to the end, a sign of desolation.

Overall, I’ve learned that I am overly attached to this car. But, even though this is true, now is also not the time to spend several thousands of dollars to get a different one. In the end, I decided to fix the car enough to make it drivable, but not enough to make it aesthetically appealing again. As time passes, this decision continues to sit well and to “feel right,” which is a sign of consolation. But, I still wish I had not killed my car!!

Water Blogged

2007-05-07T13:51:00.000-05:00

This weekend, Omaha had a ferocious thunderstorm complete with 5 inches of rain. My wife and I “ooh and aahed” at the lighting display and watched the Central High prom-goers run through the storm in their expensive dresses and rented tuxes. Despite the free entertainment we were provided Saturday night, not everyone had such a positive experience from the storm. My friend woke up to a gurgling sound at 2 am and subsequently found his basement flooded.

After pulling up his carpet, tearing out the padding, and doing our best to dry out everything I realized that he was taking it very well. I knew if that happened to me I would have a hard time being in a good mood. But for some reason he was just as positive and smiling as usual. It seems that nothing dampens his spirits.

Amidst carrying soaking wet padding to the garbage, trying to Shop-Vac the carpet, and moving furniture around, my friend put it into perspective for me. At one point he said, “It’s only carpet.” Very well put. He also said that he gets upset when he has to pay 84 cents for something that is only worth 54 cents. But when it comes to things like his basement flooding (which no doubt will cost hundreds of dollars), he kind of accepts it.

Those two comments really hit the nail on the head when thinking about our life and things that happen to us. In response to his first comment: If we could all look at situations that arise with that kind of mentality of: “It’s only carpet”, then we would be much better prepared when something unwelcome comes our way. To the second comment: Why is it that we get bent out of shape due to little inconveniences? I’ve always heard that, “It’s the little things that count”. It should also go the other way. “It’s the little things that drive us crazy” should be on a Hallmark card too. But that is just it. The little things can really be the things that bring out the worst in people. Why is it that big catastrophic type events bring out the best in people? I’m digressing and I’m sure this is getting into psychological theories which I’m not prepared to debate right now.

My point is focused on counting the blessings you have and being glad that you have the resources to deal with problems when they arise. Imagine your whole house being destroyed in something like Hurricane Katrina or more recently the tornado in Kansas that destroyed a town and killed 10 people. It makes you glad to have a house to put a new carpet in.

Like I said, my friend is a better man than I in that he kept his cool in a stressful and exasperating ordeal. His example is one that I wish we all could follow on a daily basis. When life throws us little or even monumental curves, may we be understanding that there are people less fortunate than us and be thankful of what God has given us. And if he can understand that with a flooded basement, then maybe it isn’t so bad when we get stuck behind a slow driver in traffic.

Sure-Fire Way to Enhance Your Life

2007-04-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

Psychologist Ken Sheldon from the University of Missouri-Columbia found something interesting about enhancing our experience of life. Ken asked students to keep a journal on a weekly basis reporting five things they were grateful for. Compared with students who reported five hassles or neutral events on a weekly basis, students who wrote gratitude items reported that they exercised more, that they felt more optimistic about their upcoming week, reported fewer physical symptoms, and indicated they felt better about their lives as a whole. You may have heard of the research that suggested that watching funny TV/movies while sick could help you heal more quickly. Now it appears that you can simply “count your blessings” if you want to be healthier and happier.

Examining why this might be so, research is finding that counting your blessings impacts how you experience your present life. A gratitude focus prevents you from taking the good things in life for granted, what psychologists called hedonic adaptation. Gratitude fosters moral behavior and enhances social bonds. When faced with a problematic life experience, those with a tendency to count their blessings are more likely to positively reinterpret the event. And, not surprisingly, practicing gratitude tends to inhibit negative emotions such as envy, bitterness, anger, and greed.

Centuries before positive psychologists looked into the phenomenon, Christians have been guided towards an attitude of gratitude. “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude.” 1 Timothy 4:4. Earlier, Jesus taught that nothing that entered our bodies made us impure, a basic stance towards the goodness of all creation. But, an attitude of gratitude is not just a New Testament edict. The first things we learn about God are that he speaks, he acts, and he expresses gratitude, “Then God said, ‘Let there be light’; and there was light. God saw that the light was good.” Genesis 1:3-4. To live with a grateful heart and mindset brings you closer to God’s heart and manner of thinking.

The end of the academic year is a particularly good time to reflect on areas of gratitude over the course of the past nine months. For those graduating in two weeks, this is a particularly good time to reflect on areas of gratitude for your past 4-5 collegiate years. What are you most grateful for this year? What are you most grateful for over your college career? Counting your blessings this way will bring you closer to God and bring you more awareness of your truest, deepest self. Done regularly, it will also deepen your joy in life.

Let God be God

2007-04-27T10:54:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting discussion the other night. Among other things the group talked briefly about God and our relationship with God. Several of the people were struggling with their relationship with God and with their belief in God. We didn’t pursue the topic at any length. Our discussion was focused in other areas but from other discussions recently and personal experience it would seem this is a recurring topic for most of us at various times in our lives. For some of us (me!) the struggle seems to be more constant than recurring.

I feel like one particular period was an apex or watershed. I was in my late twenties, recently had dropped out of college for the second time and was working a manufacturing job; living alone, few acquaintances, no close friends. I had questioned the existence of God, tried to grasp the meaning of such an entity if it did exist, struggled to understand what the characteristics of this something could possibly be in the midst of my mostly dark impressions of life, humanity, perceived reality. I’ll spare you the details of the dark and bloody struggle but it was of epic Greek proportions … at least in my own mind.

In the end I simply decided God is. I came to realize that for me, the struggle was between my previously un-admitted but definite certainty that something more than me was and my inability to ‘fit’ that something into any structure of knowing, any pattern of logic, any consistent belief system. There was more than logic and perception, physical reality and the finitude of everything of which I was certain. But I could not fit that more into a systematic whole and make sense of it and my world understanding. And I gave up. I quit trying to define this more, and decided that I just had to let it be. I had to let God be God. Understanding it was not possible but some measure of peace could only be gained if I admitted that it was.

Since that time I’ve come back to an ongoing effort to try to understand, to know. That effort seems to see little pieces of light at times, most times is overwhelmed. But that effort is grounded in an unshakeable belief in ‘God is.’ In the Hebrew story God tells Moses ‘I am.’ Actually the Hebrew words could be translated. “I am that I am” or “I shall be that I am” or “I am that I shall be” or “I shall be that I shall be.” Timeless, constant, infinite, now and more. And yet Simple.

In these last few years, I have gained most by being still. I still delight in struggling to put it into words, I agonize at trying to understand, I obsess with how to fit the pieces together, I work at being me. But I return to being present, open, loving, cognizant of this Presence. With Augustine, ‘My heart is restless until I rest in thee.’ He didn’t say ‘Until I know thee.” The restlessness is good. It keeps us open before the infinite. Like Michael Himes says in “Doing the Truth in Love”, if ever we are totally at peace in this lifetime, if we are confident that we have found God then we may be most certain that we have found an idol, an imperfect and partial substitution for God.

God is. Let God be God.

Making Sense of Virginia Tech

2007-04-23T21:51:00.000-05:00

Lately, I’ve been struggling over the fact that my faith has not been rocked by the Virginia Tech murders. I don’t struggle existentially about why evil exists or why God allows evil, or even where God is in the face of evil. If anything, I’ve been struggling over my lack of struggle. Virginia Tech, 9/11, Iraq. All tragedies. Tragedies among many tragedies across time and cultures. But, they do not rock my faith. Why?

Like Virginia Tech, I watched with horror as the 9/11 events transpired over those first few hours. But, as I watched, I could see God. I saw God more prominently than the evil. I saw God everywhere. I saw him suffering with the nation. I saw him jump with the man and woman holding hands. I saw him cry as we cried. I saw him act with the brave men and women. So many brave men and women trying to be men and women for others. “Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.” Mt 25:40. In all honesty, everything I’ve heard about Virginia Tech gives me the same feeling as 9/11. Instead of holding hands with the couple that jumped from the World Trade Center, God was holding the classroom doors with the teachers and playing dead on the floor with the students.

Coincidently (providentially??) I am in a group that is currently discussing the book “Evil and the Justice of God” by N.T. Wright. We met last night to discuss the second chapter about God and evil in the Old Testament. I like his conclusion of Chapter 2, “This is not, I think, exactly the same as the ‘free-will defense.’ It is more a ‘commitment to action’ on God’s part, coupled with the settled affirmation of creation as still basically good. God cannot undo that good creation even though it has gone wrong. He will therefore act from within the world he as created.” (pg. 74) And, for those of us who are Christians, no place is this more true than with Jesus on the cross. By becoming one of us, God truly acts from within the world to transform all evil into good. (Read James Alison for a great take on transformation from within.)

Father Schlegel is right. Events like this may give me pause as to the deep questions surrounding life and death, evil and God. But, more so, events like this give me pause as to the divisions in my own self, the relationships I need to mend, the violence in my heart that divides and separates me from God and others. How can I open myself to see and work with God’s grace more in my own life?

Fun Day

2007-04-20T22:46:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week my wife had to go to a "mandatory multidisciplinary neuroscience conference” at school. The power’s that be informed her class that they had to come to this important conference. So as the class sat down and waited for the day to begin, the professor hemmed and hawed and finally confessed that this day was actually going to be a fun day. A fun day? Yes, the med school actually played a joke on the students to get them to come to school so that they could reward them with a day off; complete with a BBQ and games in the park.

Now Fun Day is not to be confused with Snow Day. (See Kristina’s post on 3/1/07). No, a fun day is slightly different. The way I see a fun day is - a different way to find yourself. Finding yourself can mean a lot of things. It can mean monumental things like finding your calling or somewhat smaller scale stuff like finding the motivation to get out and exercise. Sometimes in our daily routine, we get into the habit of just getting through the day: wake up, work, dinner, bed, repeat. Yes, we can find ourselves when we are at work, when we are eating, even when we dream at night. But sometimes it takes something out of the ordinary like my wife’s class Fun Day to get us to think about where we are and what we are doing. In that specific case, the students are constantly doing the same thing: class, studying, coming home to eat dinner, study again, quick break, study some more, bed, study in your sleep, repeat. The Fun Day was an excellent way for the students to relax, celebrate how far they’ve come this year, and remember why they are in school to begin with. They so often are focused on the academic aspect of their daily routine, that it is ok every once in a while to bring back some humanity to their lives. Hence, the Fun Day.

I was lucky enough to spend that afternoon with my wife and we definitely took advantage of that time to try to find ourselves. We did this by trying new things (my wife tried golf), we did this by using the day as starting point for some long overdue exercise, we did this by putting aside the immense amount of information they make you learn in med school, and saying, “you know, maybe we just need a day to enjoy the sun and who knows what will happen.” For me, what happened was a renewed drive to stay in shape. I can’t speak for my wife, but I’m sure that for her and many of the other students, what happened was a realization that even though they have grueling schedules, they can still find time to enjoy the outside world and remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe also, that finding yourself can happen along the road when you stop to smell the roses and not just when you get to the end of that tunnel.

Unaware of the Good We Do

2007-04-17T20:17:00.000-05:00

Anthony De Mello tells a story that has been haunting me. It describes a man who was so holy that even the angels rejoiced at the sight of him. One day, God sent an angel to the holy man and told him he could have anything he wished. In the end, the holy man asked only that good be done through him without his being aware of it. This wish was granted. From that day forward, the holy man’s shadow was endowed with healing properties, healing the sick, making the land fertile and even removing sorrow from people’s hearts. However, the holy man knew nothing of this. The people were so focused on the shadow that they forgot about the man and paid him no attention. He lived his entire life unaware of the good being done through him.

In the Spiritual Exercises, St. Ignatius talks about being so consumed by the love of Christ that our only desire is do God’s will, to be and to do only as God wills us to be and to do. We become indifferent or detached to being in sickness or health, to being poor or rich, to being honored or dishonored. Instead, we care and are attached only to what brings us closer to God and that which builds up the kingdom more. If that is sickness, poverty, dishonor, then so be it.

Reflecting, I now realize that the DeMello story has been stuck in my head because I have not been operating out of the freedom of indifference. You see, the past couple of months, I have been in a funk wondering if the work I do with Cardoner matters, if my work has been doing anything good or worthwhile for anyone at Creighton. I have to admit I have been having a bit of a pity party. It is dawning on me that these thoughts are tied to a desire to be honored. I never thought “honor” was an issue for me – I was never caught up with getting awards or recognition. But, wanting people to tell me that Cardoner means something is a form of honor. That is something I do care about. I am not indifferent about this, am not free from it.

In my last blog (Liam’s Game, April 12) I suggested that mature Christianity transforms psychology’s sociometer theory. Sociometer theory suggests self-esteem stems from our sense of acceptance by others. However, according to the Bible, the more I am consumed by God’s love, the less my identity and self-esteem is tied to acceptance from others. As I mature and grow in awareness of God’s all-abiding love for me, then being told I do good work matters less and less. Like the holy man, being a mature Christian can even bring me to a place where I no longer desire to know what good God is working through me. DeMello’s story has been haunting me because this is my deeper prayer, deeper than my funk. Deep down, I desire to know God’s love so much that I no longer care about honors and gratitude from others, nor to know the good that God is working through me.

Contemplating Authentic Self

2007-04-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

Soon I will be nearing the half-way mark of my training. It will happen while I am with four other health trainees at our CBT (Community Based Training) site. Currently I and the 31 other trainees are all together in the provincial capital for more technical training and so I have time to reflect (and I have access to a cyber-cafe!) on what such a marker means. It means on one hand soon I will be pushed out on my own into rural Morocco to begin my service. On the other it means I can start to think about what is the point of training, the role of a Peace Corps Volunteer, how Peace Corps as a development organization works, the cross-cultural issues which occur, and what it means to be an American living in Morocco. Vocation stuff galore!

Throughout the technical training in Azilal and the cultural and language training in our CBT sites the over-arching themes have been (besides gaining health related technical skills): integration and sustainability. Both of these words contain many concepts and can be elaborated on for hours, but I think it is easy to boil them down into Cardoner’s three approaches to community: relationship with oneself (and God); relationship with community; and the tensive relationship between individual fulfillment and personal sacrifice. I hope to elaborate on each of these in turn, but for this post I would like to focus on the first, the understanding of self.

A huge chunk of training was and is preparing us for immersion and integration into a Moroccan community. That is key to the PC experience; what makes the organization so different from every other development agency is that intimate human connection. In order to successfully do this we need to know the history, culture, religion, language, customs and laws of Morocco. But more importantly--the most important--is to understand the "who" we as Americans are. In other words, to know and understand what the assumptions, shared experiences, and the worldview we are bringing with us are. This causes us to engage with one another to come up with a shared understanding of “American culture”, yet at the same time causes us to look deeply into ourselves to grasp who we as individuals are. What assumptions am I working with? What conceptual scheme do I arrange my references points in?

Yet, such considerations do not happen just in the seminars or alone at night or when writing a blog entry; they occur in every interaction we have with Moroccans and with the other trainees. Devoid of a context and people who know us we can freely narrate a story about our identity, and in so doing can edit the persona we are constantly presenting. Trying to forge friendships with trainees and Host Country Nationals, or just deciding to wear a Jalaba or hijab, is done against a backdrop of such questions as “Is this congruent with who I really am?", "Is this who I want to present as the real Josh?", "Do I know the real Josh enough to enter this foreign community and integrate but not assimilate?”. However, such questions do not necessarily need to be asked by people living outside of the United States. They seem to be universal questions to understanding self hood.

Liam's Game

2007-04-12T19:37:00.000-05:00

One of the country’s leading writers and speakers on Christian spirituality visited Fremont last month. Towards the end of the day, Fr. Ron Rolheiser remarked how anthropology suggests that the very purpose of our life energy is ultimately to become an “elder.” Elders have four tasks – their vocation – to order the world, to feed, to carry, and to bless those who come after them. After visiting my beloved cousin and her two-year-old son Liam, I am particularly struck by the need for elders (mothers and fathers, grandparents, even second cousins) to bless those who follow us.

According to Rolheiser, “blessing” literally means to speak well of someone, and not necessarily by using words. Cursing, the opposite of blessing, is not the use of profanity. Using profanity is not the sin of cursing. Rather, to curse is to give someone a message that squelches their life energy, that shames them and threatens their delight and enthusiasm for life. Elders bless when they truly see and recognize someone, when they appreciate and speak well of this person, and they give some of themselves to this person, building him or her up.

Like most two-year olds, Liam has an abundance of enthusiasm and sheer joy for life. His favorite game currently is to point out and scream in delight at every truck, bus and motorcycle that drives by the window or that can be spotted while being driven around Santa Cruz. Not surprisingly, this scream of delight every 2 seconds does not facilitate safe driving by his mother. How can she quiet Liam but not curse him? How can she bless Liam, supporting his enthusiasm for life, but in a way that allows her to drive safely?

In psychology, we talk about this life energy, this delight and enthusiasm for life, as self-esteem. Now, if ever there was an overused and completely misunderstood word in psychology, it would have to be “self-esteem.” Luckily, research psychologists are zeroing in on a better approach to self-esteem, called sociometer theory. Sociometer theory suggests that, at heart, self-esteem is nothing but an indicator of how well accepted a person is by the social group. We feel good about ourselves when we feel accepted by others. However, even the possibility of disapproval from others threatens us, threatens our sense of self. This threat then prompts us to work harder to be accepted again by others and to retain/gain our self-esteem. (Another day I will remark on how mature Christianity transforms sociometer theory from the inside-out. But, that’s another blog.)

My cousin Susan has the right idea with Liam. When he screams about the bus down the road, she responds to the content of his enthusiasm positively. Yet, she also prompts him to speak with “an inside voice.” She speaks with that inside voice herself, modeling the behavior she wants. And, when he does speak with an inside voice, she pours affirmations all over him. Liam’s self-esteem is not threatened. Indeed, his self-esteem is being enhanced as he succeeds in connecting with other important human beings. Liam is being blessed by an elder.

Humiliation vs. Humility

2007-04-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

In light of Holy Thursday, I decided to write a post on ‘humiliation vs. humility.’ The washing of the disciples’ feet would have required Jesus to act in great humility, for he was the Son of God, the great Teacher, and the Leader, yet he got down on the floor and cleansed the dirty, odorous feet of his followers. Let’s face it, that’s not appealing. He could have easily felt embarrassed or degraded. However, he did not because he did not boast himself up on a pedestal; he did not perceive himself as better than his people. Furthermore, he did all of this knowing that Judas would betray him and Peter would deny him. If I knew that two of my best friends were about to betray and deny me, would I be able to humble myself enough to serve them? I think of all the times that I have to rationalize my actions to make others understand why I do what I do. In this passage, what Jesus was doing did not make sense. He even told them they would not understand. However, he did not let that interfere with serving.

In our society today, we get so caught up in being successful that we forget the importance of humility, even when our culture may not understand. “I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do” (John 13: 15). Jesus’ message was simple: serve one another. But, how do we ‘wash one another’s feet today?’ Washing feet in Jesus’ time would be work for the lowest of the low, the most humiliating act. Jesus was not humiliated though, he did not even have to justify or glorify it. He remained humble.

I think there is another important message of the washing of the feet. Jesus calls us to be humble enough to recognize that we, too, are unclean. Others around us know we are not perfect-but there are amazing people in this world who do not care. They are willing to be as Jesus and help us along our way. Sometimes it is so difficult to let others help us though, to let others see that we need help to become better people. Again, we often feel humiliated by our imperfections and look to rationalize or hide them from others. Why can’t we humble ourselves to admit that we need help and must rely on others? We must obey Jesus’ message to serve one another, but we also must allow others to follow his message. The only way we will be able to do this is by humbling ourselves so that we may be served.

How can I humble myself to serve and be served?

Vocation and the Paschal Mystery

2007-04-04T21:23:00.003-05:00

Your primary vocation is become a human being. Not just any human being, but the human being God created you to be. You are, afterall, created in the image and likeness of God. So am I. My primary vocation, then, is to be Kristina Marie DeNeve. At his talk at Santa Clara University last month, Fr. Michael Himes suggested that the book title, The Imitation of Christ is perhaps the most misleading title in all of Christian history. God doesn’t want another Jesus Christ. He already created (ok, begat) a perfectly fine Jesus of Nazareth, Jesus the Christ. No, God wants Christians, and all human beings, to become the persons he created us to be. Jesus was to be Jesus. Michael Himes is to be Michael Himes. I am to be Kristina. You are to be you.

In Genesis, by the time humans are created “in the image and likeness of God” we know two things about God. God speaks and God creates. For us to be created in the image and likeness of God, at the very least, suggests that we share God’s ability to speak and especially to create good out of chaos. And, thanks to revelation throughout the rest of Scripture, we further come to learn, “God is love.” 1 Jn 4:8. But, not just any love - the Greek culture had seven words to connote love. God is “agape,” or pure self-gift. Therefore, to be human, to be created in the image and likeness of God, has something to do with talking, creating, and giving of ourselves freely and in totality.

I mention this now as a context for moving into the Paschal Mystery of the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus. As Christians, we believe that the Paschal Mystery points to what it means to be a human being, and simultaneously, to be the fullest embodiment of God made flesh. “At the moment of death, Jesus is most clearly himself and therefore most clearly the revelation of who God is; it is the moment when Jesus is most clearly, most perfectly who he is” (Michael Himes, Doing the Truth in Love).

Jesus shows you and me how to know and live our vocation – it is by freely giving ourselves, self-gift, agape. “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Mt 16:25 If you give yourself away, you will find yourself and also, everlasting life. To “find” your vocation, give your very self away. To “find” out who you are, who God created you to be, what you are meant to do with your life, give yourself away. Freely. Truly. Clearly.

My prayer for you this Easter Triduum is that you enter more fully into the Paschal Mystery, discovering more who God is and who God created you to be.

Resurrecting new joy

2007-03-28T10:35:00.000-05:00

A quote from www.sacredspace.ie, a Jesuit daily prayer and meditation site:

“Everything has the potential to draw forth from me a fuller love and life.
Yet my desires are often fixed, caught, on illusions of fulfillment.
I ask that God, through my freedom, may orchestrate
my desires in a vibrant loving melody rich in harmony.”

I fear that there will come a time when I will not be able to care for myself and no one else will be there to care for me. Old age, disease, disability; some misfortune will leave me facing discomfort, neglect, suffering, and most terrifying of all, isolation. I think we all, to some degree, have this place, this imaginary desolated place where we see ourselves alone and helpless. There’s a story in Luke about Jesus coming upon a funeral procession (Luke 7:11-17). A woman, a widow is burying her only son. Her son is an adult. She is no longer a young woman. He has died and she is a widow. Her heart is filled with grief overshadowed with fear.

My security today is no more certain than that of the widow in the story. All of my efforts, past, present and future can never be enough. Nothing I do can assure me that I will not someday be left alone and never can I exist without needing someone else. That is one of those facts of life that I ‘know’ but do not believe, or at least I’m not willing to admit to most of the time. I keep holding on to the belief that if I’m smart enough, work hard enough, plan far enough ahead sometime I’ll arrive at that magic day, a day when I’ll look at my retirement account and the calendar and say, “At last, I’ve arrived. I can start living today. I am certain I have enough to live comfortably until the day I die. I can buy all that I need.” I am stuck on an illusion of fulfillment.

Another author writes, “The task of Christianity is not to teach us how to live, but to teach us how to live again and again and again”; to constantly experience rebirth, to let our old beliefs die and let new songs rise in our breasts, to die to our old self and resurrect our new self. It is my task to choose to belief, and to act on my belief, to open myself. Through my freedom, God is then free to act.

In Luke’s story Jesus sees the widow, has compassion for her and tells her, “Do not weep.” The woman is asked to die to her grief and to be open to rebirth, to a rebirth in the presence of his deep and everlasting comfort and compassion. He touches the dead man’s bier, comes in contact with the dead, a strikingly discordant chord for Jews of his time; and commands the dead man, ‘Rise!’ The widow gives birth to joy in new life; not the life that would have been had her son never died, but a new life with a new son, a life metaphorically created in the story with the return to life of her son.

We are the flesh and blood body of the resurrected Christ present here and now. Each day we come in contact with grief, in our own life, in the lives of those around us. We are mournful and fearful. Is it possible that we can resurrect, give life to, something within us, within them, touching us both that will assuage that grief and give birth to a new life, new joy, that through us God may orchestrate a vibrant loving melody rich in harmony?

Inspiration At Church?

2007-03-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday I was lucky enough to experience something I have rarely seen growing up as a Roman Catholic: A Catholic mass that was slightly haphazard yet very welcoming, had a lively and inspiring church choir, took a good 10 minutes to go through the Sign of Peace, and was packed to the brim with worshipers. It was definitely unconventional yet managed to still be reverent. It was at Sacred Heart Catholic Church which is located in north Omaha.

Now maybe I’ve just led a very sheltered life and haven’t experienced the world but it seems to me that the majority of Catholic services are quite subdued, ordered and conventional, and the music is hit or miss. (We are lucky here at St. John’s to have an awesome choir). I’ve very rarely experienced the opposite. The other examples that come to mind are when I went to church in college and at church camp. The gatherings were of students my own age so I’m sure that was the main reason for the feeling of welcome and of “this can be fun.”

Everyone’s faith is different even within the same religion and I realize that there are those who wouldn’t like this type of worship. There are a lot of people who prefer to have a structured and traditional service. That’s fine. What I’m saying is that if more parishes were similar to Sacred Heart, then more young people would come to mass. In a world where numbers of Catholics are dropping rapidly, I think that the best way to stop that decline would be to attract the younger members who will eventually be the older folks in the community. One way is the music. If churches were willing and able to bring in a saxophone player and a drum set like Sacred Heart, it would be a great start. (I love St. John’s with the harp, piano, guitar, and occasional extra instruments).

But it wasn’t just the music that gave it a more welcoming feel. It was the whole attitude of the parishioners and priest. They were able to pray with each other in a way that wasn’t so stiff and solitary. There is a time for that to be sure. But if you want to gain a larger community of like minded people that’s what you have to do…focus on the community. Hence, the 10 minute Sign of Peace. Normally, you shake the hand of the person to either side of you and the people in front and behind you. Here (and at camp and in college) you take the time to go around and hug people. And not just the folks in your immediate vicinity. It’s hard not to feel welcomed in a situation like that.

I’m not suggesting that this is for everyone or that it is the answer to get more people excited about coming to church and staying with or joining the Catholic faith. But it is one answer. It certainly got me excited enough to blog about it!

Searching and finding

2007-03-20T11:45:00.000-05:00

It seems I have been on a lifelong journey to finding myself. Somewhere along the line I got the idea that there was a ‘self’ to be found. A ‘self’ that if and when found would be a perfect fit; both internally, with all the jumbled self perceptions, characteristics, multiple personalities and desires; and externally, with all the expectations, opportunities and possibilities. Somehow I would find this perfectly fitting ‘self’. I would put it on and it would define and mold all these internal and external synchronicities and contradictions into a perfect me and I would be at peace.

Recently there have been multiple opportunities for me to reflect on this ‘finding of self’. Things seem to go like that sometimes. Life seems to get orchestrated to focus on one or more of ‘my issues’. Focusing events and lenses seem to pop up repeatedly over a short time span. Maybe it’s just my internal selective viewing of daily life that seems to coalesce events, endowing disjoint occurrences with extra meaning; creating a whole that is more than the sum of the parts. Maybe it's just the nature of human intelligence – to take events and find patterns; a characteristic of being in the image and likeness of God; to find order in chaos.

In January, my wife and I were on a 30 day retreat. Much of this time was spent on consciously examining all the external definitions of me, my life history so to speak, and then trying to strip off all the influences to find what might have been before; before the joys and pains of this existence moved me to develop certain proclivities and avoidances. This examination was done in the shadow of a re-realization, re-acquaintance with the primary truth that God loves; loves each individually and personally, deeply, always and without reservation.

Shortly after the retreat, I participated in a small way with a spring break trip to Pine Ridge and Rosebud Reservations. I watched and listened. I came away appreciating the value of discovering a shared identity, being part of a strong community, and the importance of finding a spiritual heritage. These were shadowed by an intimation of the difficulties of overcoming long term perceptions, identification with low worth, a feeling of being a castaway in the surrounding culture, a small glimpse into what being lost at home might feel like.

A few days later, I listened to Fr. Ron Rolheiser talk about the importance of being blessed; being beloved; of having a respected person of our same gender, a ‘parent’ figure call us beloved and tell us we were the child in whom they were well-pleased; someone to affirm that we are ‘seen’ and validated as positive.

With Augustine, I come to the realization that my search for God and my search for self are closely related. We both have looked everywhere and finally glimpsed God within. As I move toward identifying self, I get closer to God. As I learn more about this concept and mystery named God, I learn more about me. I am made in the image and likeness of God, I am a mystery.

Borrowing from thoughts I recently encountered in a book by Michael Himes; if, in a brief and eloquent sentence, I could express an all-encompassing definition of who either God is or I am it would immediately be wrong for change would have occurred in the process.

So I have to move past this search for the perfect self-definition and grow content with here and now. Be present, be open and accept that I am becoming. In God, grounded in the past, incomplete in the present, eternally growing and evolving; I am and always will be becoming.

The light on the path and simultaneously the pull in the right direction is the totally unjustified, yet always present, always unconditional Love.

Money and Racquetball

2007-03-14T10:18:00.001-05:00

Teresa’s recent blog (see March 8) got me thinking. I live in the richest country in the world and have a better quality of life than at 99% of the world’s population. (If you are reading this blog, you probably do too. Ninety-nine percent of the world’s population works for less than $15 per hour and 90% earn less than $1 per hour.) Teresa makes the delightful point that wealth is not a prerequisite for love, for that feeling of coming home, of being a member of the family.

Jesus said, “How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!” (Mark 10:23) One interpretation of this statement is not that there is something inherently evil about money. It is just that money and wealth clog up the arteries of time and making it harder for us to pay attention to what really matters in life. Money demands attention. Material goods demand upkeep and attention. In the book, Your Money or Your Life, readers are asked to examine how we spend our life energy, how much fulfillment we receive from the life energy we spend and if the life energy we spend is in alignment with our values and life purpose. I think that’s one side to Jesus’ meaning: with wealth, we don’t (can’t?!) spend as much time focused on what really matters.

With this in mind, I tried to think of the last time I had the feeling of “being home” and simply being loved and happy like Teresa experienced. Luckily for me, I felt that way about a week ago when I was playing racquetball. (If you have not heard, racquetball rocks!) There were too many people wanting to play for the number of courts. So, my friend and I agreed to let a couple of men join us for doubles. This felt like a sacrifice because one of the men made me uncomfortable a long time ago and the other man never smiled and was always hard-core serious when he played. But, something magical happened. We laughed and played and teased and cheered each other on. There were no boundaries or egos. We just accepted one another completely as we were. I had the feeling of “being home” like Teresa described.

This feeling did not need money. It was consistent with my values of friendship and health. And yet, unlike Teresa’s experience, money did undergird the experience. If 90% of the world earns less than $1 per hour, I spend almost 8 days of their wages every MONTH on membership fees. And, I use a racquet I got on sale for $150 to hit a ball that costs me $1. I wear $89 shoes and a coordinated dri-fit outfit made by people who probably are in that $1 per hour salary range.

Even though my job IS a ministry and I can easlity rationalize that what earns me money is consistent with my values, I can’t help but wonder sometimes: am I one of the wealthy Jesus was talking about? Are you?

Interruptions

2007-03-11T11:51:00.001-05:00

Spring break week. For months, I thought I would be facilitating people on an 8-day Ignatian retreat. At the last minute, that plan fell through. Looking at the bright side of things, I focused on how I suddenly gained a week of “free days.” Days where nothing was set in my schedule and where I could simply do whatever I most wanted to do, like our recent snow day (see my March 1 blog).

Not one day this week went like the free day I planned and, unfortunately, I can’t say I accomplished what I most wanted to accomplish. For example, Monday I decided to write on a journal article I need to submit, but I only managed to find and organize and read a dozen articles relevant to my study. Thursday afternoon, I decided to “play hooky” and so a friend and I drove out to Mt. Crescent only to find too much snow had melted to actually snowboard down their little hill. I was back in my office doing email again by 3:30. Sigh. After an entire week gone awry, I saw Friday afternoon as my last chance to do whatever I wanted. Spring break was not over yet! However, I did not manage to leave Creighton until almost 3pm. By the time I got home, all I could do was to take a quick nap. A week of free days and what did I get? A nap!

When I first started working at Creighton, one of the dear, wise Jesuits routinely reminded me that no matter my “to-do” list, the interruptions were almost certainly more important and likely were what I was actually called to accomplish that day. He said, “God is in the interruptions. Jesus is that person knocking on your door, calling you on the phone, sending you that email that demands your attention.”

With my week of free days a shambles, I thought about Fr. Bert’s words. He was right. I could see good that came from every shamble of a day that did not go as planned. Monday, I inspired a co-worker to jump into high gear on writing her dissertation. Thursday afternoon, I grew closer with my friend as we talked about our “adventure” and processed all we learned about snowboarding that day without having to actually risk life and limb. And Friday? Well, I did not go home until 3pm Friday because I agreed last minute to go to lunch with a colleague from the health sciences. It turns out she had been trying to have lunch with me since last summer, but I had always been too busy for her. During our impromptu gathering, she shared herself with me, shared stories of God, love, family, life and death. She reminded me of what matters most in life. She humbled and inspired me with the depth of her humanity. The “interruption” of my Friday afternoon graced me beyond anything I could have ever gained had I carried out my “plan” for the day.

God is in the interruptions. Where was God in your spring break?

When Life Gives You Frozen Bananas, You Make Banana Bread

2007-03-09T09:58:00.000-06:00

I just returned from a Spring Break Immersion Trip in which a group of 11 Creighton students, myself, and 2 other Creighton staff traveled in vans to the Rosebud and Pine Ridge Indian Reservations in South Dakota. The main purpose of the trip was to help Juniors in the high schools at these reservations begin to work on their resumes and scholarship applications and specifically the Gates Millennium Scholarship. The Gates scholarship is specifically for outstanding low-income minority students. The other purpose of the trip was to learn more about and experience the Lakota culture. I had an excellent time on the trip and feel that we were able to accomplish a lot of what we set out to do.

Like any trip, it required organization and planning. Needless to say, the planning of certain things on the trip could have been better. Some of the things we thought were set up and planned fell through, and so we had to adjust our schedule. As is the case in many situations, the things you expect to occur don’t always happen that way. The things you don’t expect are often disheartening. On our trip we had wanted to visit the buffalo herd up close and learn more about their history. What actually happened was that we only got to stand in the cold on the side of the road to see the herd from a distance. But here’s where the title of this blog comes in. Sometimes the things that don’t happen can lead to something unexpected and better than what the plan was originally. Or if something seemingly negative happens, a more positive ending may occur. It all started even before we left for South Dakota. I had bought groceries and snacks for our trip the night before and figured it would be alright to leave the food in the van overnight. For the most part I was right. It got cold enough so as not to sour the milk. But…the bananas weren’t so lucky. The poor things froze and turned black! Oops! I was embarrassed and also sad that we wouldn’t be able to eat bananas all week. I had let the group down. But wait…here is where we made something better out of a seemingly negative occurrence. Turns out we had all the ingredients needed to make banana bread! So we Googled a banana recipe and the Banana Bread Babes made an awesome addition to our dinner that night and the next!

This theme of something better coming out of a setback seemed to be what defined our trip. Some of the things we couldn’t do gave us time to bond as a group. I had a great time playing “I Have Mail For” and “Hide and Seek” by the way! I didn’t know games like that could still be fun for people over 5 years old!

It is experiences like this one that have helped me to be more of an optimist in life. As it relates to vocation as calling, I could go on about past experiences in work and play that have shaped my calling but I will wait until next time to continue. Stay tuned…

Isn't that ironic?

2007-03-08T09:43:00.000-06:00

Man, it has been a long time! I apologize.... I suppose it can also be a good thing though, in hopes that I have been learning so much that I will have good insight to share in this blog! We will see...

The Encuentro Dominicano (Encounter the Dominican) Program is set up in such a great way because it emphasizes the importance of classroom and cultural experiences. So far this semester we have read amazing books by Michael Himes, Dean Brackley, Jon Sobrino, and Jeffrey Sachs, just to name a few which incorporate our actions. Two of the most impacting ideas for me are those dealing with agapic love and hope among hardship.

"To respond with love to a world which seems to have gone wrong in fundamental ways, a broken world, we must get free to love-we need to find a way to love better and over the long haul." -Brackley, The Call to Discernment in Troubled Times

For two weeks in February, I lived with a family of eight Dominicans in a small home. The family was part of a small community, 22 families, in a very rural area. They have enough food, water, and medical care to survive, but they are one of the poorest areas of the country. We arrived and met the people, and immediately I was a member of the family. There was not one second of time that passed by where I was considered a stranger. They did not know one thing about me, but that was okay. Just because we were going to be living together, just because we are human, they loved me literally welcomed me with open arms. I did not have to do anything to impress them. Nothing to earn a place with them, and yet it was so genuine, so counter-cultural from our understanding of initial interactions with others. As the days passed by, I got to know my family more and more. This was not difficult because we ate, talked, laughed, slept, danced, and prayed together. There were no boundaries for us, no privacy, nothing I could hide. And yet, they still loved me completely. Not because I am perfect and not because I worked for them, but because they understand the call to love. They do not have many material possessions, but they possess the most amazing connection within that community that I have ever seen. Even though there is suffering and injustice in the world, we have the ability to create peace and understanding through love. This is what creates the hope among hardship.

Living in a third world country has opened my eyes to reality. I have witnessed violence, homelessness, illness, and anger, and therefore I feel so challenged by my Christian faith to do more than give a check to an organization to help people. No longer can I be fully content because I have witnessed oppression. "With great power comes great responsibility." I have learned the facts and I have the resources, so now I have to use them. This definitely scares me, yet I also feel great peace and joy. How is this possible? It doesn't seem to make sense. I think the best way to summarize it is through an aspect of Liberation theology. Jesus was born poor. Lived poor. Worked with the poor. Died poor. But that's not where it ends. He survived it. He rose and His message lives on. I think that sometimes we forget to incorporate both of these aspects, but we shouldn't because it is so encouraging. We can and should always be gaining strength from this. I don't think there is anything more inspirational. We too can take steps to bring justice to the world, and as my experience has taught me, this will create great inner peace and joy.

Peace Corps, Morocco....Here I Come!

2007-03-05T08:54:00.000-06:00

At 6:50 P.M. today, I and other Peace Corps Volunteers will fly non-stop to Casablanca. From there we take a bus to the capital of Morocco, Rabat, to begin our eleven week training to become “Rural Health Volunteers”. Until training is over we are still considered trainees. While in Rabat I will learn such things as Moroccan Arabic, a dialect of Berber (since the three are not intelligible to one another), technical skills related to my job (being a double major in English and philosophy I assume that they will teach me a lot about rural health), and how to cope with being far away from home for a long time. And tell us not to drink in public…at least until we have become accepted.

To say that I am scared and excited is an understatement. To say that I am probably preparing for leaving last minute means you probably know me. Only now am I starting to ponder what to bring. Since I am limited to 80 pounds it should be easy. As for everything else involved with leaving the country for 27 months I am pretty sure that if I haven’t taken care of it by now it should just go away when I get back. As for the internal preparations, well, I have been writing about it on the Cardoner blog, and I will continue to write about it there. I will also be writing about my Moroccan adventure in a different way at my personal blog,

http://radicaljosh.blogspot.com/.

I was pressed for time when I came up with the link. I had thought it would be the podium from which I would inform the world of my views and change it. But then I realized no one cares what a 23-year old guy in Omaha, Nebraska has to say about anything and so I have toned down my ambitions for the blog. So far I have one comment. It is from my uncle, however, and he says he loves me. It’s really not the hardcore radical page I had hoped for.

------------------------------------------------------
What do I hope to get out of my Peace Corps experience before I leave (so you can hold me to it when I get depressed, upset, and frustrated and just want to return home)

Mellowness of heart

To be humbled (Since you wouldn’t have seen me at last call on a Friday night you probably don’t know I need it. However, you might have seen the need for this when I can’t convince a Republican he/she is just wrong.)

Adaptation to a culture which might put my so-called tolerance and open-mindedness to the test
Learning how to put a face to this “other” and “community” which I have thus far only learned how to deal with in abstraction and ideals

Despite the fact I joined the Peace Corps because I wanted a secular volunteer experience, hopefully somehow I encounter my own spiritual/religious nature more fully and gain a deeper understanding of the layers of vocation—just because I worked for Cardoner

Patience

Ability to sit still and be completely bored

Learning how to deal with the heat

And other stuff.

Snow days are like God

2007-03-01T18:05:00.001-06:00

Michael Himes suggests that “the first and most important thing to know in theology is that whatever you think when you hear the word ‘God’ is not God” (pg. 9, Doing the Truth in Love). When we talk about God, we will always and necessarily be limited, no matter how grand our description, because God is absolute mystery. If you want to discover what the Christian tradition maintains is the least inadequate description of God, Himes’ first chapter in this book is excellent. (I won’t even give you a hint because then you will think you KNOW the least inadequate description and won’t explore Himes’ excellent book. I will however tell you that you can read enough pages on Amazon to give you a taste of what this least inadequate description of God might be.)

With that strong caveat in mind, I want to share the very inadequate image of how snow days are like God. Snow days are free days. Complete total freedom. You can do nothing “wrong” on a snow day. There is no “wasting time” on a snow day. On snow days, you get to decide with total freedom what you would like to do. Along the way, you can change your mind and what you do instead is every bit as good as what you could have done. Even if you end up “wasting” the day, it does not matter at all because it was a snow day. It was a FREE day. Complete total freedom.

Waking this morning to discover today was a snow day with no work/school, my heart is instantly light, happy, and calm. As I shovel a bit of snow, I think of so many things I might accomplish with my instant free time. Catch up on email. Work on that journal article. Finally start that book in advance of a conference. Clean the house! Maybe even relax and watch some TV for a change. They all sound so wonderful. Before I decide though, I think I will lie back down for a mid-morning nap. I won’t even set the alarm. I’ll just let myself sleep until I wake up.

A Jesuit once shared with a friend on retreat, “God will love you even if you spend every day bathing in the sun.” With God, we don’t HAVE to do anything. We have complete and absolute freedom, unbinding love, total compassion and support. We are free. There is no wrong, no wasted time. Only love, total self-gift. To God, every day is a snow day. Every day is free.

If you don’t set your alarm, you might even take a four hour nap.

I can't hear the plants sing.

2007-02-26T10:23:00.000-06:00

A writer and photographer for National Geographic told a story about a South American indigenous people who showed him a plant in the forest that they used. Actually, they showed him 14 different varieties of this plant which to him all looked the same. The uses and treatment of the individual varieties were different and proper identification was important. He asked them how they were able to distinguish between the varieties. These people were incredulous that this person of much knowledge did not know how to do this. How was it that he did not know that each variety ‘sings’ in a different key?

The point of his talk was the great loss we are suffering in what he called our ‘ethnosphere’. The ethnosphere is made up of all the diverse cultures and each culture’s knowing. Cultures share many ways of knowing but are also unique in many ways. With homogenization, we are losing that unique knowing. Just as the loss of unique plants in our biosphere may cripple our ability to progress in the future, this loss of cultural knowledge bodes ill for us. According to this author approximately every two weeks some elder becomes the last person to speak a particular dialog as another culture is absorbed into the mainstream. The dialog could be recorded, rescued, sustained in some manner but the unique knowing of that culture dies when that culture is no longer lived. It’s like trying to read the Hebrew Scriptures in the original Hebrew. I may be able to learn the language in a relatively short period of time, but with a lifetime of study I could not fully grasp the cultural implications of phrases and words that carried rich and subtle meanings to the people who lived at the time the words were recorded.

Change happens. It is a fact of life. The exigencies of existence often demand that we leave behind one thing to pick up another. Life sometimes demands choices. Sometimes we force choices onto our world, thinking it will make our lives easier, less complex, less costly or simply less fearful. As the author of the presentation put it, “The world that we live in does not exist in some absolute sense. It is just one model of reality, the consequence of one particular set of adaptive choices that our lineage made many generations ago.” Today we can afford to embrace more diversity. I would like my grandchildren to know that there lives someone somewhere who can hear plants sing.

(To hear this story search for keywords ‘Wade Davis’ at http://www.ted.com/tedtalks/)

My Vocation is to be Christian

2007-02-21T15:33:00.000-06:00

This past Friday, I was lucky enough to listen to a presentation by Dr. Mike Lawler, Professor Emeritus of Theology. His talk was titled, “Christian Vocation and the Service of Justice.” One thing he said that really stuck with me was his point about what his vocation is. He said that his vocation is not a theologian or a professor. His vocation is to be Christian. He is called to be Christ-like. I’m always trying to find ways to define vocation and more personally trying to discover what my vocation is and what I am called to do. We are too often trying to define who we are by the careers we pursue, the hobbies we enjoy, and even the family life we have chosen. In my case I’ve struggled with finding my career identity but that is just that – my career identity. It is not my identity or what makes me who I am. So then I look at my hobbies and interests. I have a passion for music: Playing my saxophone, composing music, and listening to music. These are hobbies but still not a vocation. So then I look at family life. I could say that being a son, brother, husband, uncle, nephew, father (someday), grandfather (someday much later), is what I am. While that is true in the literal sense, just saying that I am a husband doesn’t make that my vocation. It goes much deeper than that.

While all of the things I mentioned before are pieces of what makes up “me”, they are only that. What Dr. Lawler said brings up a good point. The way you go about doing these things has a bigger impact on the definition of “my vocation”. Am I living like a Christian should live? In my career am I doing work in a way that has Christ in mind and others in mind? Or am I only working to climb the corporate ladder and have the most money, prestige, and acclaim? In my hobbies and interests am I spending leisure time in a way that benefits more than just my own desire to relax and have fun? Or am I combining my interests and talents in a way that benefits the greater good? As a husband, am I only doing the bare minimum to make the relationship with my wife work? Or am I going out of my way to ensure our happiness and success as a married couple? Am I just being a husband because I have the marriage license that says so? Or am I living this particular aspect of my identity in a Christ-like way?

While there is nothing wrong with trying to put a finger on what our vocation in life is, I say that we should spend more time striving to be Christ-like. If we live this way in all the things that we do and are, then our vocation will shine through; even if we can’t say, “My vocation in life is …”

The Vocation of Individuals, The Vocation of Creighton

2007-02-17T11:40:00.000-06:00

I guess with Founders Week, it is only fitting that this has been a huge vocational week for Creighton. I don’t believe that institutions have a vocation like individuals, but I definitely believe that institutions are impacted by the vocations of the individuals within them.

At the keynote address of Cardoner’s vConference yesterday, Emeritus Professor Mike Lawler emphasized that vocation is BOTH a call from God and a person’s response to that call. You cannot talk about vocation as God’s call without also immediately adding that the person must hear the call and then we have the free will to choose what we will do regarding that call. And, as Fr. Gillick is fond of saying, God has no expectations. We freely respond to the calls we hear from God. (Of course, the difficulty for us, especially in our post-modern world, is to know what IS God’s call among all the voices we hear. But, that is the topic for another blog!)

Monday, the Creighton community learned that Professor Christine Wiseman will leave us July 1 to become the Provost of Loyola Chicago. Thursday, we learned that Creighton is negotiating the hire of Christopher Duncan as Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences. Thursday, we also celebrated the service of Sr. Annette Schmeling, Associate Vice-President of Student Learning, who will be joining the University of Dayton July 1. Finally, Tuesday, President Schlegel challenged each faculty and staff member at Creighton to respond to students escalating spiritual needs, to their desire and demand for service opportunities, and to their tendency to have been raised in an over-scheduled environment. Fr. Schlegel suggested that as we live our vocations to work with students, we must adapt and remain committed to meeting their needs as best we can.

There is no doubt that the institution of Creighton will be impacted by the vocational journeys of Professor Wiseman, Sr. Schmeling, and Christopher Duncan. As senior administrators, the work of their hands affects each of us. And, there are many of us, myself included, who are just beginning to ask what God might be saying in our own vocational journeys as tied to these events. I report directly to Professor Wiseman; does God have a specific call to me relative to the changing scene at Creighton? I don’t know; it is too soon to tell. I need to sit with these events. Listen intently. Hmm. It also seems like with the Cardoner program, I personally have a unique opportunity to address students’ spiritual needs – and to empower faculty and staff do this as well. Is God speaking to me through the words of Fr. Schlegel? I don’t know; I need to sit with this too.

God, how are you calling me vocationally in the events of this past week? I don’t know! I am trying to listen to what you are saying to me. I desire to respond to your call.

I am alone here, next to you

2007-02-12T15:13:00.000-06:00

My roommates and I went out to eat dinner. We gorged ourselves, had a couple of drinks, chatted for about two hours, and then drove through the cold back home. All in all it as a nice little evening.

Content on food, drink and good company we shared in the general sense of well-being which sneaks up onto us in the slow moments of our busy lives. Then something interesting happened: one roommate vanished into her room to watch T.V.; I sat in a corner reading a book and listening to my iPod; my other roommate sat on the couch directly across from me and watched episodes of Friends on her lap top. When one would say something to the other, she/I would sigh, pause the media player or take out the ear buds and wait patiently for the person to say what he/she wanted. We would nod and resume what we were doing.

I recount this story because the feeling of closeness and contentment with each other became isolated and insular as technology allowed us to individualize what we encountered in the same room. A distance was created and was expanded because of our ability to turn inward. We didn’t agree on what to do together so we did our own things. Earlier compromises devolved into buying our own types of beer and supplying our own type of entertainment.

Of course I exaggerate a tad. Part of what made us able to do this is our intimacy as friends allows us to enjoy each other’s company without interaction. The mere presence of the others, their just being-there, is all we need. But when I looked up from my book I couldn’t help thinking about all the amenities of modern life which are continuously creating an insular and narrow “me”-focused interaction, interpretation, and engagement with the world and others. I think of the people who listen to iPods while talking, or those who sit in rooms together on the net conversing digitally with others while not conversing with the person next to them. It creates the sense that if I don’t like what I am doing now I will just create my own reality.

Do these technologies, while creating more avenues of communication, change completely the understanding of the vocation of community? Has it changed our frame of mind from “I exist with and for others” to “others exist for me”? Where the first means compromise, tolerance, acceptance, and hard work, the other is expediency, individualism, and the ability to pick and choose who you regard as part of your community and what you will do with them.

Food for thought.

Computer Dependency

2007-01-31T23:46:00.001-06:00

Last week, I was shaken to my very core by a crisis of epic proportions: my computer crashed. Infected by some Trojan virus, the ever-friendly technology people assured me that my computer would be returned fully functioning within two days, three days max. After dropping the computer off, I found myself despondent, unable to think of what tasks needed to be accomplished, let alone what my priorities should be. I had telephone calls to make, students doing research in my office, staff who needed to talk with me. None of these required a computer, yet, I felt lost and unable to focus.

Psychologists love doing research on control: illusion of control, desire for control, control and coping, perceived control, the limits of control, it goes on and on. One of the most robust findings in all of psychology is that perceived control is a powerful insulator against depression and stress. Believing we are in control, whether we really are or are not, helps us remain positive, upbeat, optimistic, and happy. Like many of you, most of the time, I tend to think that I control my day. I control my tasks, my reactions, my dreams; in short, I am essentially in control of my day and, well, my life. This is obviously an illusion, but one that keeps me healthy and not depressed. Losing my computer for three days was a really crushing blow to this illusion of control - reminding me yet again that I can’t even control what tasks I will accomplish today, let alone control my experiences or (sigh) my life.

During that first afternoon of computer-less despair, I remembered the verse from Mark 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.” Seeing how lost I felt after my computer crashed made me wonder how much I “treasure” my computer. Hmm. Nope, it wasn’t the computer itself I treasured. I felt so lost because I treasured how this machine helped me get all my “important work” done. Would I feel so lost if I missed a Sunday Mass? A day of prayer? Sigh. Absolutely not. Honestly, I often barely notice if one of these occurs.

Then I remembered St. Ignatius’ Principle and Foundation, where he points to a profound indifference, “so that, on our part, we want not health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, long rather than short life, and so in all the rest; desiring and choosing only what is most conducive for us to the end for which we are created.” Smugly, I think I’ve come pretty far regarding these - I find I am less and less concerned about riches, honor, and a long life. But, last week gave me an important reality check: God, please don’t let my computer get sick!!

Med School Husband

2007-01-24T09:10:00.000-06:00

My wife and I have been married exactly 6 months yesterday. Thank you, yes I know we’ve already lasted longer than most Hollywood “marriages”. I know that some people scoff at the idea of celebrating a 6 month anniversary, but that is neither here nor there. It seems to me like a good point to assess where I am at in relation to vocation-as-calling.

Being married 6 months has given me some idea of what role family life will play in the big picture when I think about my life’s calling. If I were to define vocation right now and define it 20 years from now it may change dramatically. But as I see it today, a vital part of my idea of vocation has to include family. I contend that vocation is not only your career, but also all the other aspects of your life in which you are called by God in one way or another. I personally consider my marriage the most successful thing I’ve done that God has called me to do. It has been the easiest choice I’ve ever made, with no hesitation that it was the wrong thing for me to do. Conversely, finding a career has been the hardest aspect of discerning my vocation-as-calling. Right now in my life; my marriage, my wife, and her happiness and success take priority over my career search. This is not a noble thing or even a negative thing in regards to my personal development as an individual finding his way in the world. It is simply where I feel God is calling me to focus my energies and it is the most prominent aspect of my “vocation” at this time.

Part of my definition of vocation includes the phrase, “Who I Am.” So who I am includes my job, my leisure activities, and everything in between. But if I had to pick the one thing that defines me right now it would be, without a doubt, my relationship with my wife. I know God is calling me to be supportive of her as she ventures through medical school. I know God is calling me to do things that “normal” husbands may not have to do. A sacrifice, some might say, but I see these things as essential to my wife’s success. During these short 6 months that we’ve been married, I’ve learned that her success is my success. When she is sad, I’m sad. I am going through medical school in a manner of speaking. I’ve begun to get a clearer understanding of the idea that “two become one” when you get married. You truly do experience what your spouse experiences. You may be separate people but your togetherness is much deeper and stronger than your individuality.

Trying to define “who I am” is a difficult task. But I know that at least a part of the puzzle that comprises my vocation is 6 months old and that gives me hope for the rest of “me”.

Preparations for a Journey

2007-01-18T15:14:00.000-06:00

Lately there has been a hunger growing inside me. It is not for food and not for anything too carnal but a hunger for experiences and socializing and …just more!

The reason for the appearances of this rather strange hunger is my departure for Morocco in less than two months to begin my 27-month service in some rural village doing health education. Where exactly I will be and what exactly I will be doing are still a mystery (never releasing too much information seems to be the M.O. of the Peace Corps). All of the preparation, the anticipation, the unknown, the excitement, and the fear are making me uneasy and anxious. And so, I grow hungry for all I can get out of my life here before I leave.

Eating out for dinner and going out with my friends every chance I can has become my daily ritual. The Omaha airport checkpoint people and I are friends because I’ve traveled all over for months visiting family and friends. I buy more and more books. Every book I have ever wanted to read I think I can cram into my remaining time. I write and edit new and old papers of mine. I go to movies and other random community events: Another fundraiser/benefit? I’ll buy a plate! Need someone to help with planning events? Give me the clip board. I even watched American Idol for the first time last night.

Yet, as I am the midst of this flurry of activity, this preparation to leave the United States I don’t think that I am preparing to arrive in Morocco. I am not taking the time to reflect and discern. What will I be doing there? What was I thinking accepting the invitation? WHO AM I? CAN I DO THIS? WHAT AM I DOING? My mind just seems to skip over the Morocco aspect so much so I am starting to plan what I will do when I come back—I am preparing to arrive back in the United States! I just seem unable to ponder the 27-month stretch between departure and return.

One reason for this is I know nothing about Morocco. I can’t formulate ideas and prepare for things I have no understanding of. Another reason, however, is that in my flurry of preparation leading up to leaving I am not preparing myself for a journey. Now, with departure only weeks away, I am beginning to understand unless I prepare myself for my Moroccan adventure as a journey it will not help me gain an understanding of myself, my world, my place in the world and my relationship with God.

If working for Cardoner has taught me anything it is the value of questioning and reflecting on who am I in various situations and at various times. During my final weeks in America the flurry will intensify no doubt, but I will now start preparing for my arrival in Morocco and the journey of a lifetime.

Emmaus, Scripts and Travel

2007-01-14T21:43:00.000-06:00

While in Colorado for our ski vocation vacation, a number of students and I attended a prayer service. The minister used the story of the disciples on the road to Emmaus as his opening for how travel can help us to discover more about God and ourselves. (See Luke 24: 13-35) Of course, in the disciples case, they needed the experience of breaking bread with the stranger before they could recognize him as the Risen Lord and could understand why their hearts had “burned” so strongly all day.

Legendary psychologist B. F. Skinner was right in suggesting that much of our behavior is based on learned stimulus-response associations that do not require conscious processing. Try to run an errand where you must take a different exit on the way home and you have an idea of how our behavior often takes place without much effortful processing. For many familiar activities, from going to the theater to meeting someone for a first date to joining a new health club, we have “scripts,” or mental sequences of actions that define and represent that event.

Psychological research shows these scripts influence what we expect in the situation, how we interpret events that transpire, and certainly our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Scripts can even bias our judgments and decisions, such as the professional sports writers who judged a college “player” from the same hometown as Joe Montana as being more likely to succeed in the NFL than players from other hometowns (T. Gilovich in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 40, pg 797-808).

I think this is one reason why travel can be so fruitful in helping us to see ourselves and the world differently. When we travel, we are intentionally placing ourselves in situations where we do not have as many scripts for our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. We have to be more effortful and purposeful about every aspect of our day, from waking up disoriented in a strange bed to negotiating our way around a strange city to having new and different experiences with new and different people.

By taking ourselves out of our usual routine, like the disciples walking to Emmaus, we are more likely to notice what we would otherwise miss. We see other people, ourselves, and even God with fresh eyes. This could be during a vacation in Paris or a service trip to New Orleans. It could even be while skiing in Winter Park, Colorado.

Snowboarding at (almost) 40?

2007-01-10T22:34:00.000-06:00

I learned to ski when I was a teenager and can hold my own on intermediate and even advanced intermediate slopes. So, what possessed me to take up snowboarding this past week at Winter Park when I could have looked so much more stylish skiing upright with the Creighton students who attended our ski vocation vacation? Why would I want to learn something new, enduring physical and potentially psychological pain, when I was already skilled at a similar task? What motivates our behavior?

Starting in the 1920’s, the drive theory of motivation was all the rage among psychologists. This perspective held that humans have a number of drives, mostly biological, that we are motivated to fulfill following deprivation. The more we were deprived of something we need, the stronger is our drive to forget all else and simply meet that need. Food is a classic example as all of us can relate to how hard it is to concentrate on anything when we have skipped a day’s worth of meals. Drive theorists suggested the ideal state for humans was homeostasis, which literally means “staying the same.” Homeostasis is presumably the ideal state where we are deprived of no needs, have no drives and are essentially devoid of motivation to do anything.

Snowboarding points to one major problem with this model. The fact is that as humans we are never content to simply “veg out” and do nothing for very long. Homeostasis is not an ideal state for us. We get bored. We seek out challenges. We crave newness and growth, ironically, even while we resist all evidence of change. Theologians suggest that this desire inside us that never lets us rest IS God. That restlessness is God himself, giving us a yearning that finds no true peace during our lived lives. Again, St. Augustine suggests that yearning is only squelched when we are united with God. God is within us, fueling us with desire, seeking God’s self.

So, why take up snowboarding during your late 30’s? Because as much as I love skiing, I saw teenagers riding a board with their left foot forward, then their right, then turn backwards, complete a 360 and move forward once again. And, I wanted to know what that felt like. I had to know. Now safely back in my own bed in Omaha, I sleep soundly even as I tend my wounded shoulder and sore neck. It was worth it. I pushed my body, my personal limits, and my experiences. I felt God as I respected my yearning to snowboard, even as I realize my existential restlessness will never be squelched.

Anticipation

2007-01-08T21:29:00.000-06:00

My name is Teresa Bolas and I am a sophomore at Creighton, but currently studying abroad in the Dominican Republic (the DR). I am going to use this blog as a reflective journal while living here. I wrote this first entry while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to the DR, and I am not changing anything as I am writing it now.

My new year's resolution this year is to be true to myself; to recognize my strengths and weaknesses and learn to live accordingly. I have this image of the person I want to become, so my main goal is to actually become that person rather than simply wishing. I feel that being in a new country, an entirely new culture, will help me in this transformation. There is a great opportunity ahead of me which forces me to evolve. However, the challenge lies in me evolving into the person in which I can be proud. A person who embraces opportunity, enhances genuine relationships, encourages knowledge, strives for understanding. This semester I want to be thankful for each new day. I want to see positive opportunities that exist all around me. I want to learn: about relationships, the world, communication, and myself. However, in order for all of this to occur I must allow myself to change. I must open my eyes, mind, and heart to everything around me and allow it to impact me, but this is also scary. This forces me to be vulnerable to the possibilities of inner conflict and changed relationships. I realize that I must make a full effort, however, or I will not be happy with myself once I leave the DR.

I have been here for one day now and I need to process everything a bit more before I write about my reactions and first impressions, but... stay tuned!

24 Jobs in 14 years!

2007-01-04T14:59:00.000-06:00

Just recently, my wife and I were comparing the number of jobs each of us has had. It is very funny (not to mention staggeringly different) when we came up with the final count. My wife has had 4 jobs so far in her life. My count was 24! This is not including many of the one-time jobs I’ve had like mowing someone’s lawn. I admit that 24 jobs between the age of 14 and 27 is probably more than the average but thank the good Lord that only one of the 24 was ended less than happily. All the other jobs ended due to things like having to go back to school, or the job was seasonal, or I was moving. Much better than getting fired don’t you think?

Some people may look at the number of jobs I’ve had and think of it as a negative thing. I’ve thought this at times as well. The negative comments that people could make include things like: “you have no drive or passion”, “you can’t hold a steady job”, “this looks bad on your resume”, “you aren’t building a career”. The list goes on and on. But I am ever the optimist and so I try to look at the positives in any situation. So let’s make some arguments for me about how having 24 jobs in 14 years is a good thing. For starters, the various types of experience I have gained is invaluable. I’ve learned so many skills in those jobs that I couldn’t have otherwise if I’d just said, “Well, I better pick something and stick with it.” I’ve learned everything from making deep fat fried chicken to mixing the proper amount of fertilizer, weed killer, and water together to be sprayed on lawns. I’ve done things like speaking in front of between 1 and 100 high school students about the importance of going to college to substitute teaching kindergarteners to seniors in high school. I’ve learned how to bag groceries so that it is efficient and easy to carry. I’ve learned how to deal with every kind of person in every kind of mood. I’ve learned how to replace windows of all shapes and sizes. I’ve learned how to drive a 14 foot truck (through the most beautiful country in the world-Glacier National Park in Montana). I’ve learned and experienced so many things in these 24 jobs that have helped me to grow and become a more well-rounded person that I wouldn’t have otherwise if I’d only had a few jobs.

The bottom line here is that I may not know what my calling is yet. I have a hard enough time deciding what to eat for dinner! But if you are in a similar situation and still don’t know exactly what you want to do, make sure to take something positive from each job. The skills you obtain will be a great help when it comes to finding your calling in life.

"How do you really feel now?"

2006-12-30T17:26:00.000-06:00

For the past several years, after our Christmas feast has been consumed and the presents opened, the adults gather to play a game. This year we played a card/board game called Compatibility. In this game, a topic is identified for you and you have to sort through 50 images on cards and select the requisite number of images that have the strongest association for you. The winner is most “compatible” with the other players, meaning he or she is able to correctly guess the most images in the proper order for everyone else that is playing. Along the way, you can learn what other people think about you as well as how your friends and family think of themselves.

After a couple of hours, I drew the topic, “How do you really feel now?” The entire group laughed as I had just whined about how long the game was taking, sounding tired and impatient. With that preface, I selected my image cards and each of my cousins selected the ones they thought I’d picked. It delighted me that all my cousins thought I selected a card with the word “happy” on it. While this characterized the night for me, unfortunately for them, it was not how I felt right that moment.

My primary card threw them all for a loop and earned me much teasing. It was the colorful image of a mask. My first reaction to the question had genuinely been that no one really, truly knew how I felt. My deepest emotions were masked from them. Not because I was intentionally misleading them or anything. Rather, our deepest thoughts, emotions, and desires are generally kept private. We guard them. We guard them not only from others, but largely even from ourselves. The root of the word personality is “persona,” meaning mask. While we can infer personality, we cannot directly observe it. Our personality, our emotions, thoughts, and desires, our true self is hidden behind a mask.

Discovering our own emotions and then sharing them with God (perhaps even within the context of a safe, loving relationship) is the essential premise of Ignatian spirituality. It is the basis for discovering our true self, for deepening our faith, and for walking an authentic, intentional life journey. We must look behind the mask to discover how we really feel and then share it and make it part of our lived reality. Otherwise, it simply remains hidden.

God-With-Us

2006-12-24T12:23:00.000-06:00

“Not only do we realize that God dwelt among us in the humanity of Jesus, not only do we know that divinity is now present in humanity, not only do we experience God-with-us in the Spirit acting in the church, not only do we wait for our final ‘at-one-ment’ with God, not only do we receive the Spirit in the depths of our beings as we open ourselves to be vessels of the living Word – we also come to know that God is with us ‘in the in-between’ that God’s presence is discovered in the zestful, life-giving relationships that we cultivate.” Wendy Wright, The Vigil.

When the church talks about the “mystery” of the incarnation, they weren’t kidding! Wendy Wright references not two or three, but fully six different facets of the mystery of the incarnation. Which of these facets most speaks to your heart this year?

I’ll briefly mention two. For the last couple of years, I’ve been suggesting more and more that I think the mystery of the incarnation is THE basis for a theological exploration of vocation, of all our life’s callings. Why? Certainly, all facets Wendy mentions come into play. But, fundamentally, being open to God’s movement in our life such that we discern his nudges in our relationships, our work, and our innermost self is simply another way of saying we “receive the Spirit in the depths of our beings as we open ourselves to be vessels of the living Word.” To discern, decide, and live out our vocational calls is to open ourselves to God being with us, God becoming incarnate in our individual lives. To live an authentic and intentional life is to open ourselves to God-with-us.

And, regarding that last facet: This Advent, I spent much time reflecting on my longings, as I referenced in my last blog. My reflections regularly and consistently brought to mind my relationships with family and friends. I reflected that if I were to die soon, what I desired most would be to deeply connect one more time with my loved ones, particularly my mother, brother, grandmother, cousin, best friend in Texas, and my favorite-est fellow. The irony of this longing is that I CAN do this during the holiday season. Over the course of two weeks time, I will be blessed to visit with 5 of my 6 closest loved ones. (Grandma in Arizona, I love you and look forward to seeing you in February!!) So, God, I pray that your presence once again will be found in the zestful, life-giving relationships that I hope to cultivate.

How about you - which facet of the incarnation most speaks to your heart this Christmas?
Peace,
Kristina

Being an Advent Person

2006-12-07T12:18:00.000-06:00

I'm an Advent person. I did not realize this until a couple of years ago. I used to think Advent was only about the preparation and anticipation of Christmas. Christmas, focused on the mystery of the incarnation, of God made human, was the key to the season. For me, advent itself was significant only as it helped to highlight the importance of Christmas. Of course, this interpretation was also all I could handle as end of the semester grading, holiday parties, shopping and wrapping presents consumed and continue to consume most every moment of every December, year after year.

But, I've learned that Advent itself has its own significance, worthy of my attention throughout the entire year. Advent comes from the Latin "adventus" which means "coming." While Advent does of course point to the coming of Jesus, the advent period itself is the time BEFORE the coming. Advent is about waiting, like the pregnant virgin, caught in a time between what is and what will soon be. Advent reminds us that we humans are forever caught in "not yet" desiring more than what is, restless in the present. Beyond the preparing and anticipation of Christmas, Advent points to the incompleteness that marks our human condition always.

Augustine of course is famous for saying that our souls are restless until they rest in God. Over the past couple of years, I've become more aware of this tendency in myself. Even when things are going perfectly well, I notice that I still desire more. I still ache. I still wonder and yearn and long. According to St. Ignatius, God shapes us and operates in our lives through our deepest desires. To be an Advent Person is to acknowledge our longings, to touch and hold our deepest desires, what we are not yet and yet hope we will become. As I ache and yearn and long and share all this with God, I am living advent. I am an advent person.
Peace,
Kristina